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Old 08-11-2013, 05:48 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,661
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Hey JaneQ! Yes I had followed your story and did notice a similar genesis of things in my case Thanks for the message. I have no doubt that having read your journey in the past helped me to understand and make peace with the complexities of this.
You are very welcome and I am pleased to no end if anything I wrote was helpful. (The act of writing it was beneficial to me, if it helps any other person through their journey - Whee!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
As we were hanging up the call, Grotto asked me to tell him to be strong.

Me: "Why?"

Him: "Because I really want to read your blog."

The last time he did this made me flip out a bit. At that point, I considered whether I'd be okay with him reading this... and I decided I really needed this space, for myself.

I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be okay with him reading. He said he understood, that it was okay, and he wanted me to have the space if I needed it.

On the other hand, since he brought it up, I think it's a good idea to consider this again. I've thought about it before, from time to time, so no harm revisiting. In a way it would be nice to share this with him. But I wouldn't want to hold back on writing about darker moods, and some of those feelings would be relating to him, maybe triggering, or hitting him in tender places. We'd need to figure how to manage this.

One idea could be that he doesn't generally follow this blog, but he can read it at certain points in time.
I think understand how you feel about negotiating with your partners on how much they should be be invited to share in your blogging here (which is, after all, a public space).

I posted the following on BP's blog (link to post). (The post is directed toward someone else who commented on her blog - sorry for the disconnect.)

Quote:
...As for her blog being a "safe" place to discuss what comes up in her relationships and not wanting him to get upset with what he reads here. The benefit of a blog journal is, in my opinion, the benefits of journaling combined with feedback from others who may have insight into our situations by having been through similar experiences. If she feels she has to filter her posts so that he doesn't get upset then some of that benefit is lost. She hasn't said that he can't read her blog but that it should be recognized for what it is.

When I decided to open an account here and start blogging about my journey I asked my boys what they thought and whether they foresaw being active participants in the forums (neither are really forum-poster types) because I would utilize the forums differently (at least initially) if they were going to be reading everything I posted over my shoulder. I use writing to "work through" my feelings - so an individual post may reflect my immediate reaction and thoughts at the moment but not reflect my final, mature response after processing. MrS immediately "got" what I was asking - he said that if I needed to use the forums as a form of "group therapy" and didn't want him reading my blog so that I would be free to express myself "in the moment" then he wouldn't read them** (reminding me, at the same time, that this is a public place so be careful about identifying info). Dude was of the opinion that the posts I wouldn't want him to read were the very one's that he "needed" to see - I told him that if we "needed" to talk about something after I processed it then we would (I don't hold back when I am upset - I just need a day to frame my response and create an "outline" for what I want to communicate). I have shown/read to him many of my posts here (turns out that I can't have him reading my "posts-in-progress" word document but by the time I have finished them for posting I don't really mind.)
...

JaneQ

**...and he wouldn't, ever, unless I specifically asked him to. Even if he was mad or suspicious or divorcing me. MrS is fundamentally the most ethically straightforward person I have ever met. If he tells me this forum is "my space" it becomes a black hole to him, completely off limits, not even a temptation. Not because I "made" him but because he made that decision himself, for reasons that he found valid and would not rescind that because that would counter what HE considers ethical behavior.
Now, I did write this over a year ago when my relationship with Dude was just over a year old. I have mellowed a bit in my reactions since then. MrS still has no drive whatsoever to read my forum posts - if there is something interesting that I want to share with him I read posts (mine and others) to him - which he is fine with, as part of a conversation.

Dude is much more reassured that I will share relevant posts with him (as I have been doing consistently) - so he feels no need to read my posts unless I am here (to elaborate if needed). I'm still not comfortable with him (or anyone) reading over my shoulder while I am in the midst of the "compositions process."

******

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
There have been quite a few times I've felt like saying "I love you" to Lobe. It's a phrase that flows freely from my lips. But this time, I want to hold back. I want to wait until it means something more specific, in this particular relationship (if at all). Not sure what, just... I dunno. I want to have more patience here.
This is NOT a phrase that falls from my lips easily (I have written about this elsewhere)...so frame my comment with that in mind. I think that, in this case, your waiting and patience makes a lot of sense. You are starting from a very tender place (amongst the three of you - you, Grotto, Lobe) and I think that when you choose to say this (if you do), it would be wise to consider WHAT exactly that would mean/imply for the others involved.


Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Watch my own story unfold.
I am ... with baited breath!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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