Hey JaneQ! Yes I had followed your story and did notice a similar genesis of things in my case
Thanks for the message. I have no doubt that having read your journey in the past helped me to understand and make peace with the complexities of this. Reading the blogs on here has really helped me judge my own behaviour in the unfamiliar and uncommon situations that sometimes come up when you're non-monogaomous! Probably thanks a lot to this forum, my resolve to not
put pressure on Grotto, to shift his boundary, was solid.
I spent last night with Lobe... It was gentle, exploratory, healing. Also fucking hot when things flared up. He's been craving touch - said he's been isolated for a while, having moved to the city about a year ago and not having made many friends here. It's hard, starting from zero.
Anyway, all this I had felt from him. The yearning... Was like gravity to me. In a way, I've also been needing touch (since moving here) but my desire for him was more specific to who he is, how his mind works, how having his input enables my thoughts and actions to go further in a good way.
There have been quite a few times I've felt like saying "I love you" to Lobe. It's a phrase that flows freely from my lips. But this time, I want to hold back. I want to wait until it means something more specific, in this particular relationship (if at all). Not sure what, just... I dunno. I want to have more patience here. Watch my own story unfold.
Not to be fatalistic, but simply to have a lighter touch. Enjoy the sunshine that warms me through no more effort of mine than: me choosing to remain in its beams, and experience
Just chatted with Grotto on Skype. He's quite hungover but doing okay otherwise. Checked in with him about things with Lobe. All good... Fuck, we're really doing this. This is really okay. As we were hanging up the call, Grotto asked me to tell him to be strong.
Him: "Because I really want to read your blog."
The last time he did this made me flip out a bit
. At that point, I considered whether I'd be okay with him reading this... and I decided I really needed this space, for myself.
I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be okay with him reading. He said he understood, that it was okay, and he wanted me to have the space if I needed it.
On the other hand, since he brought it up, I think it's a good idea to consider this again. I've thought about it before
, from time to time, so no harm revisiting. In a way it would be nice to share this with him. But I wouldn't want to hold back on writing about darker moods, and some of those feelings would be relating to him, maybe triggering, or hitting him in tender places. We'd need to figure how to manage this.
One idea could be that he doesn't generally follow this blog, but he can read it at certain points in time.