After re-reading C's messages, I see the line, "walk away if you want." twice.
I read this as "please walk away, I don't want to do the breaking up."
There have been 2 phone talks about about the fallout from the MFM before the IM messages about taking a brea, he did the majority of the talking. Now radio silence for 2 days. Most he issues seem to be directed at me, me having fun, A being good for me, him not wanting to hold me back. Look at all the pluses of me breaking up with him!
So I did. I sent him an email. I adore him and I will miss him terribly. Taking a break is the beginning of the end, I said. Let's not drag it out.
I am usually willing to just end things if communication isn't doing the trick. He does not want to communicate. I am aware I am projecting my own behaviour and emotions onto his words, but I can't see him moving past the mfm.
I think his ego took a huge hit, the mfm was always his fantasy, maybe I wasn't supposed to enjoy it, maybe I was supposed to be guilt ridden after. I don't know. I don't believe that. I think it was set up to be good fun for all involved but the reality of my second relationship was too much. All I know is that things were running very smoothly up to that point.
Anyway, I have no regrets about the mfm, but I will not be rushing to do it again anytime soon.
So what I have learned from this relationship? How do I take responsibility for my part in the break-up? I don't know. I can't see what I did wrong. I participated whole-heartedly in something he wanted to do. I went from mfm is something I'd never contemplated to setting it up. All the while he is saying it is fun and something I'd enjoy and when is it going to happen? Did I miss some signs?
So, I do not do "stay friends," though oddly enough I have with K. I know I will not to be able to look at C over a restaurant table without wanting to rip his clothes off and having fabulous, rolling orgasm sex over the table. Wow, but the sex really was the best.
So I put the last year with C into a little box and slide it under the bed for now, until I am ready to take it out and flick through the memories again. Good memories