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Old 08-10-2013, 06:53 PM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
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Default What does "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) mean to you?

What does "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) mean to you?

I think what distinguishes DADT from other non-monogamous relationship styles is the importance of keeping other partners hidden. Consent is (`can be) involved, but it is a generic consent, rather than the specifically informed consent I believe is an important part of polyamorous relationships.

Yesterday, I heard another possibility described, where if one considers disclosure as a sliding scale from extreme secrecy to sharing everything, then DADT falls somewhere on that scale. Do others see it this way?

I tried to image what the steps along this sliding scale of disclosure would look like.
  1. You know nothing about your partners' partners, never want to meet them and never want to hear about them.
  2. You've met each OSO once, but insist upon never seeing them again, nor discussing them.
  3. You don't mind bumping into OSOs and know who they are, but don't make plans including them and prefer not to discuss them.
  4. You know OSOs well, consider them at least good acquaintences, and sometimes include them in plans, but don't share details about sex and intimacy with them.
  5. You are good friends with OSOs (when friendship is reciprocated), they are a regular part of your life, you share details about sex and intimacy... perhaps even *expected* to share details.
I would call only #1 DADT. I think #2-5 are not DADT, hopefully obviously in some cases. Until yesterday, I didn't think there was much difference of opinion about what is and is not DADT. I got the impression some people think that if you're not extremely open (as with #5) that meant you had a kind of DADT relationship.

I'm very curious what this group thinks.

Last edited by drtalon; 08-10-2013 at 06:57 PM.
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