What does "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) mean to you?
I think what distinguishes DADT from other non-monogamous relationship styles is the importance of keeping other partners hidden. Consent is (`can be) involved, but it is a generic consent, rather than the specifically informed consent I believe is an important part of polyamorous relationships.
Yesterday, I heard another possibility described, where if one considers disclosure as a sliding scale from extreme secrecy to sharing everything, then DADT falls somewhere on that scale. Do others see it this way?
I tried to image what the steps along this sliding scale of disclosure would look like.
- You know nothing about your partners' partners, never want to meet them and never want to hear about them.
- You've met each OSO once, but insist upon never seeing them again, nor discussing them.
- You don't mind bumping into OSOs and know who they are, but don't make plans including them and prefer not to discuss them.
- You know OSOs well, consider them at least good acquaintences, and sometimes include them in plans, but don't share details about sex and intimacy with them.
- You are good friends with OSOs (when friendship is reciprocated), they are a regular part of your life, you share details about sex and intimacy... perhaps even *expected* to share details.
I would call only #1 DADT. I think #2-5 are not DADT, hopefully obviously in some cases. Until yesterday, I didn't think there was much difference of opinion about what is and is not DADT. I got the impression some people think that if you're not extremely open (as with #5) that meant you had a kind of DADT relationship.
I'm very curious what this group thinks.