I don't have BPD. I was, however, pretty much a mess.
Since I've posted here, I've spent considerable time on my own, which is what it took for me to get my head clear and clean up some of my emotional mess. I learned to recognize again when i was leaning on Z and others to provide answers or direction in my life. I was essentially putting the responsibility for my stability and happiness in others' hands, and then getting strung out and resentful when I was not stable, happy, or content. Learning to own my shit again, I guess is the essence of it.
My day gig is going well and I'm back into my music, writing and performing on a more regular basis again. I didn't realize how much not having that outlet was affecting me negatively.
My mind has been one of my worst enemies for a lot of my life. I've thought too much, thought things so far out, and found myself living in my head so much, instead of being present. Recently it's been easier to recognize this and bring myself back to what's actually happening here and now, instead of living out the cinema in my head.
Z and I are close still. Probably closer than ever since I haven't been acting quite like such a child. J and I are closer than we have been, and just friends. We keep in touch, talk a little more often, and when the opportunity has arisen for things to get dramatic...they haven't. Cliche or not, I have been closer to myself than I have in a long while, and it's...really nice. Things have been great in comparison to six months ago.
All for now.