Thank you all, for your kind words. I guess I'm not taking a break from the forums after all. Writing about everything here does really help.
MeeraReed, wow.. I read before, somewhere on the forum, that you once lost several people at once. But this is a truly horrible story. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
This really jumped out at me:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed
Strangely, I had met and/or gotten together with all three guys in the same month four years earlier, so it was darkly poetic that I would lose them in all the same month too. At the time, I think I felt that I had been greedy or selfish to maintain involvement with three men; so surely I deserved to lose them all.
I got together with C and MrB in the same month (december 2011). This was after a period where I was sort of frantically dating, having lots of one night stands / casual sex encounters. Getting together with mono guys who after one or two dates (with sex) said they couldn't deal with the poly thing, after all. I was SO ready for a committed and serious relationship besides my marriage. And then I found two (though they were very different, what they had in common was that both guys claimed to be truly poly and to be in for the long run).
I jumped right in, with both of them.
It needs mentioning, probably, that before I got together with Ren, I'd never had a serious long term relationship. I had never really been in love. I had never had my heart broken. I had never been committed to someone, I had never experienced a relationship with all the lovely and not so lovely things that it brings - closeness, disappointment at times, friction, expectations, etc.
So at 42 I am starting out as a relationship novice, having only the experience of being with Ren for almost 20 years.
I have never learned that love can be love and yet change, that things don't stay the same forever. I think both with C and MrB I started clinging to ideals without looking at how the reality had changed.
In his last email MrB said that he is not saying goodbye, that he values our friendship and our love, and that we will see which form or shape this will take. I think what happened between us is that I started making 'primary style' claims on his time and energy, something I KNEW wouldn't work - but I needed it, especially after breaking up with C. I KNEW it would screw things up with MrB but I did it anyway, and that's the part where I feel like a failure - like I wasn't strong enough for him, not 'good' enough to be his partner.
But I think it could not have gone any other way - I could not NOT have asked for these things, and it was necessary that he told me that he is not able to give me this.
So there is not a definite goodbye between us, and I don't know where that will go. I only know is that I need to work on my expectations, and just let things be instead of wanting to control it all.
Poly sure is a challenge for control freaks
Originally Posted by MeeraReed
The self-doubt about non-monogamy was the hardest to get over. Logically, I should have given it all up--the three "wonderful" men in my life all dumped me spectacularly. My relationships weren't "real." And yet, that was the one thing I knew I truly wanted, to be free to have relationships with multiple men.
Yes, this too.
I'm having an article published in a major paper here in a couple of months. It's about my poly life, with Ren, C and MrB (who are of course not mentioned by name). I felt so STUPID the last couple of days, thinking 'when that article comes out everyone will know that what I am propagating, actually did not work out at all...'
but when I though harder about it, I know in my gut that this is how I want to live my life, and there will be other loves, and even if there won't be, it is still how I want to live my life and I still believe in it.
I am seeing my counsellor next week. Unfortunately I will only be able to talk about the situation with my parents - I can't talk about the relationship stuff, tried it before, he says he's not equipped to help me with that because he doesn't know anything about it. He's not judging (he's a great, great guy who has helped me work through a lot of stuff over the years), he just says 'sorry, can't help you with that'.
So I guess for those things it's back to introspection, and venting here, and hashing things out on this blog.
Thanks for reading and comments are always very welcome.