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Old 02-11-2010, 05:23 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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Originally Posted by Gibson View Post
...I have a loving relationship with my fiancee, N. We love each other deeply and want to grow old together. Recently, we have been going through a bit of a rough patch (money problems, unemployment for the both of us, depression as well) and it kinda came to a pivotal moment a few weeks ago where N expressed that I really need to further understand and accept myself (and how I am wired be be a sub) and she needs to accept her desire to be topped, specifically with ropes and flogging.
I think there were great suggestions already, so I'm just going to suggest that you find a BDSM support group that meets near you, if you haven't already. That way you could both feel like you are moving forward even if you're not running out and picking a top, and you might not feel as much pressure to "get it done now". More education might help both of you figure out what you want/need.

Originally Posted by Gibson View Post
... It feels like disrespect for me, for N and for our relationship. Am I overreacting?...

... but I'm starting to feel a bit ambushed...all things considered. So I try to ask her about what she does want. She says, more than friends, but beyond that she doesn't know. ...

... I love her and want to be with her and I know she feels the same about me. ...
You have a lot of feelings going on here. I don't know you, so I'm sorry if I tell you things you already know--but I would suggest that when you talk to her, you tell her "I feel ambushed" and "I feel confused". "I feel" helps make it feel less like an attack or a criticism. "I feel like I'm being disrespected" sounds so much kinder and less dramatic than "I'm being disrespected" and helps keep the other party listening to you. But the bottom line is that last quote--you know she loves you. That's really the foundation, isn't it? You can build anything on that, if you work at it.

Originally Posted by Gibson View Post
... I realize that I cannot simply tell her to completely close the door to warm feelings for other people for if I do and she agrees, it will only lead to an even more horrible blowup later which could easily lead to our split....

I keep thinking that it's ok to have a kink partner, with rules...but I am worried about it crossing into poly. I am not wired for poly. I don't disrespect it at all, but right at this moment I am not ready for it. I might be if it can be gradual (actually it sounds kinda nice if I can get over my insecurities), but right now I am lost and confused. My finacee started off saying she wants a kink partner...but now I have no idea what that means...
LOL...I'm not sure you meant it this way, but you can't tell anyone to never have warm feelings for other people, that's just impossible. Maybe you're talking about "romantic love" feelings, but really you have no control over that. All you can really do is say, "it would hurt me if you..." and hope.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with making rules that the both of you agree to. I think "I am not wired for poly" is a very different statement from "it sounds kinda nice". Perhaps you would do better if you just stuck with "I am not ready for it"--it doesn't close off your options. Maybe your fiance is feeling closed off? Perhaps it would help her to hear "I know that you're feeling confused/unsure right now, and I'm here to support you. I want your ultimate happiness and I want our relationship to be strong. Tell me how we can work this out/I'm ready to talk when you are/is there anything I can do to help you?" And perhaps you can offer to tell her what your ideal outcome would look like, in a safe and nonjudgemental way? I'm just throwing out ideas...I could be completely off base here.
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