Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
I personally do not associate any emotional response to the terms Primary and secondary. I see them very clearly as a way to identify which relationships have greater impact in the sum total of a persons life. In other words, if one person were to all of a sudden disappear who would affect your entire life the most? I identify as a secondary. I have done this for over a year and see no insecurity or sense of less importance in this. I see a very clear understanding of what I bring to the relationship in broader areas beyond being a loving partner; child care, household management, financial contribution for example. The impact of my absence would be less than that of Polynerdist (the primary) therefore I see myself as secondary.
I understand resistance to something that may imply less importance...but I also accept that to look at both relationships in Redpepper's life logically from a "impact" standpoint, I am in fact less important. So what?
Yeah! I would miss my BF if he left for a month or so, and I'd be happy to see him when he got back. But if my HB left for a month or so, nearly every aspect of my life would feel different, and I'd have to make just as large an adjustment when he got back.
BF isn't somehow less valuable as a person, but at this point in my life, the relationship between us is secondary. And, you know what, our relationship is secondary to him too. And, yeah, it's not got any kind of emotionality to it for me.
I guess, coming from a human services background, I see it more like systems theory, which can be represented by concentric circles.
Innermost is myself. Then there's a ring of people who affect me majorly (spouse, kids0. Then there's a ring of peple who affect me minorly (BF, BFF, parents). Then there's a ring of communities I interact with (work, school, gym). Then there's a ring of local culture. Then politics.... and so on.