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Old 08-09-2013, 06:34 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,833

I'll echo some of the others and encourage you to investigate what you mean by "equal" and what it means in this scenario.

Originally Posted by SilverShades View Post
The two of us live together and she lives a town away. So already the balance will be off. Boyfriend is not worried about this, but if we are to be completely equal, well I just don't see how that could be when two of us are always together and the third only is seen whenever there is a time we all have a day off together.
"but if we are to be completely equal" Who says you have to be "completely equal"? How is that even possible? NO people/relationships are completely equal because NO people/relationships are the SAME. You are focusing on the time/distance factor in your measure of "equality" here - but maybe that is not a factor that the others find important. (Perhaps, for instance, it is the depth of potential intimacy - not the time spent that is important.)

Originally Posted by SilverShades View Post
We have been together longer, we have history and even though I don't get jealous, I worry that if push comes to shove... well I know that I will always choose him over her. Most of it is out of necessity, as I said we live together, we are financially intertwined and I have know him longer, we have a longer track record of trust. This makes it hard for all things to be equal.
Again with the "equal". I have been with MrS for 21 years. I have been with Dude for 2.5. Of course our relationships are not in the same place (and at the 2.5 year mark with MrS I was much more guarded than I am at that same "relationship age" with Dude - I've learned a bit more about myself in the intervening 18.5 years - I am not the same person I was then). I can't cram 21 years of history into 30 months - relationships take time to grow and evolve - and they each follow their own path. There is no script.

What is important to me, in terms of equal, is that each relationship has the opportunity to grow in the time and direction that it will, without artificial restriction. In another 18.5 years my relationship with Dude (if it exists) will be in a different place than my relationship with MrS is now. At that point, my relationship with MrS (if it exists) will be 39.5 years old and will certainly be in a different place than it is now. Because in the intervening years me, MrS, and Dude (and all of our various relationships) will be growing and learning and developing in different ways and at different rates.

Originally Posted by SilverShades View Post
Not enough time. She has a daughter. I have school. We all have work. I'm just not sure how we will be able to make equal time. No, I know we can't make equal time.
No, you CAN'T make equal time. What you CAN do is try to make sure that each person/relationship has the opportunity to get their needs met within the relationships that are forming. One of the biggest lessons, for me, over the last two years is the Equal =/= Fair.

For instance, Dude wants/needs way more physical affection (cuddling/kissing/sex) than MrS does. MrS appreciates "quality time" in the form of deep philosophical conversations and emotional bonding. So, trying to make everything equal (kiss for Dude, kiss for MrS; 20 minutes of conversation with MrS, 20 minutes of conversation with Dude; etc.) is counterproductive. Dude gets less physical affection than he wants and too much jabberng - MrS gets annoyed with physical affection that he doesn't want and misses the emotionally bonding conversations. Focus on what each person needs and wants out of each relationship and toss out the artificial constraint of "equal".

Originally Posted by SilverShades View Post
My boyfriend believes that we can have an equal three-way relationship, and while I believe that could be a wonderful experience, I just don't believe it could be possible at this time. Not while two of us live together and the other doesn't.

Not that I'm against dating her. I would like to try. I just wish there was a way to convey this. I don't think my boyfriend realizes how idealistic he is being.
Your boyfriend may be caught up in the NRE (either with this girl or with the idea of what poly might mean) - my advice would be to be patient. Let things grow and develop without forcing them in any particular direction. Foster communication that allows each person to express what they are feeling - their hopes and expectations, their needs and wants, their doubts and fears. Go slow. Breathe.

Good Luck.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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