Originally Posted by SNeacail
Instead of being pissed off that your husband is not like you, learn about him. He sounds like an introvert while your very much an extrovert. Your need to always be out "doing something", going places, busy, busy, busy likely pushes him to withdraw further (I do this). So, if he's sucking-it-up and hiding all his anxiety about doing things to make you happy, it's not surprising that he fights to withdraw from everything and neglecting himself in the process. For years all my hobbies were stashed away in a closet because all my husband's and kids activities put me in a mentally exhausted space, there was nothing left to do things I enjoyed, included finding friends and people that "I" could connect with - I was stuck with people I was "supposed" to be friends with (church, scouts, other parents, etc), which made the drive to be anti-social even stronger.
Do some google searches on introverts and it's very likely that you will see some striking similarities to your husband and it will give you a better understanding of him. Just because you don't "get" his way of relaxing and how he recharges his batteries, doesn't mean it's bad.
If I want to do anything "spontaneous" I have to spend a time getting into the right head space. For our anniversary one year, the plan was, get in the car an just go someplace - no plans, no reservations, no destination, except we packed minimal camping gear. I spent a month trying to get in the right head space for this trip. My husband learned years ago that if you just spring something on me, I will say NO, but give me a head up and a few hours to think about it, then very likely I'll be game.
Thanks for the reply-and yes he is SUCH an introvert and I am SUCH an extrovert. These are things I know, that I've done TONS of reading about in trying to learn how to relate to him. After 18 years, I've done a lot of learning. I am an ESTJ and he is an INFP. I've read and read and read about introverts, and done a lot of self-examination about my personal tendencies-especially the negative ones. And please don't hear me being annoyed, or saying that his way of being is bad. I absolutely don't feel that way....I am just wondering aloud if we really are compatible anymore, and if not....what do I do? Is incompatibility of this type really enough to dismantle a relationship over?
I have learned like your husband has that I can't just spring something on FJ. Right now, the way things go is that I am out doing things WITHOUT FJ, because I know he doesn't want to be out. I make a concerted effort to give him some time with me just at home relaxing, despite wanting to do other things, because I know it's what he needs to feel connected to me. I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE HIM. (not shouting, just bolded for emphasis). He is a perfectly lovely person, just the way he is. The crux of my issue is not who he is, but the connection
we have. And believe me, he does not hide his anxiety or do things with me just because I want him to. But that's the thing-I don't want him to be someone different to please me-that does nothing to help with our compatibility, and will only lead to him resenting me and us growing further apart. Funny thing is, we even limit the kids' activities to foster his need to be home and decompress. I encourage him to have his own friends, his own hobbies, things outside of work, me, the kids, that he can enjoy. But he doesn't. Because he just doesn't need that like I do. And that's fine. My issue is that I find myself wanting a partner that DOES need those things, and can share a passion for life that I do with me. But again-is that a good enough reason? Can I live with a sort of half passionate life? Is polyamory the thing that will give me everything I need, or is it just magnifying the things I feel like I'm lacking in my primary relationship.