Well-what have I opened??
So here's the thing. Now that I've experienced love with another person-a different love built on an intense connection-I am questioning my relationship with FJ. And I feel utterly ungrateful and selfish. Is this just bound to happen with polyamory?
I have a blog up-so you can read my whole story from the beginning. Where I'm at now:
FJ and I started our relationship based on a mutual faith and fervor in that faith. I've changed-my beliefs are quite different now-and in some ways in contrast to his. This faith was what we had in common. Though we are very different people-it's what we fought for together. The activities we used to enjoy together revolved around this faith. He wants that still. I do not. At all. He says he loves me no matter what I believe, but I worry he will resent me because I'm no longer sharing that with him, and he needs that. I'm not sure he is proactive enough to do it solo-and I'll eventually be blamed for that.
FJ is a simple man. Happy to work, come home, have sex, go to sleep. His only hobby is listening to music. No matter what I do to encourage another hobby or interest that he could spend time on-he doesn't do it. Even hanging out with friends on his own. He just doesn't care to. I don't get it, because I thrive on social interaction and personal growth and development. I've accepted that's just his personality. But that leaves us little to talk about and it's unattractive to me. I want passion not only for me-but for life. We can chill together-laze about and relax without a problem. But I need very little time like that. It seems to be all he wants to do. I have said for years that I feel like I make him hang out with me. And even then-I don't enjoy going out with him. This is kinda a trigger for me because I said the same thing to my mom before she died. I always felt like I was forcing her to enjoy time with me.
I love FJ. We have an incredible history together. He supports me and encourages me to go after what I want. It seems like his whole life revolves around making sure I'm happy. Well-in as much that he gives me the freedom and support to do what I want-not that he's proactive in joining in or making an effort to get me and what makes me tick. He is a fabulous father. He is stable, kind, easy going and everything that I didn't have as a kid. But I want to experience life. I want to travel with the kids, go to the city, take road trips, go camping, be spontaneous, eat my way through the country, stay up until 3am, lose myself in an art museum, play games and give life my all. His idea of a good time is a couple of days in a cabin in the woods smoking his pipe. I enjoy that too-but I need more.
I don't want to leave him for MD-don't get me wrong. I love the touch of a woman-and find myself leaning sexually more to women right now than men. When I'm out and admiring a person-8/10 I'm admiring a pretty woman-not a cute guy. The connection I've experienced with MD is unlike anything I've experienced with FJ. It's easy to make that connection with her. She gets me. FJ and I have to work really hard to understand each other. I don't know that MD is someone I could be in a primary relationship with-but it has given me the contrast of being at ease with someone in my own skin for exactly who I am instead of what I have with FJ that takes a lot of work to even talk and hang out.
I love intellectual convos. Talking about world events, social issues, great literature, art....I can't do that with FJ. Especially not anymore that our worldview are so different.
Like it or not-I've changed after losing my parents. Where do I go from here? I want that life long love-probably more as a source of pride than anything. I'm a perfectionist and hate to "fail". But I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm seriously considering a separation. But I can't imagine doing that to my children. I have a lot of baggage from divorce in my family. Plus-it feels like my reasons are kinda lame. This man who would die for me, and is willing to sacrifice for me...and I'm just not happy with our "connection" and lack of shared interests. Is that immature and ungrateful or what?? Argh. Feeling really conflicted.
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous