Originally Posted by amaranth
I was just wondering - does anyone else HATE terms like Primary and Secondary as much as I do??
It partly stems, for me, from a bad past experience of essentially being told "you're only the secondary - I'll spend time with you when I can be bothered. Until then, clear off." To me, it just sounds like it means "less important."
So do you like these terms? Do you use them to describe your relationships? If not, which words do you use?
These days I just refer to xmakina as "my fiance" and N as my "boyfriend/partner." People I see casually I usually just refer to as "my friend," or sometimes FWB depending who I am talking to. I also rather like the phrase coined by my friend J, "friends.... etc."
So how do you define your relationships? How do you differentiate between them when explaining your situation, if at all?
I think that perhaps the one who called you their secondary was just not that into you, not that you were secondary. Not less important, just not as much desired. That's what I get from that.
I use the terms you describe and others to describe what my poly is to those who know nothing about it or me. Then I add on the end that our relationship style has become normalized to us. I don't need to use definitions anymore in everyday life.
If I were to just meet you then I would tell you that I have two primaries. A husband and a boyfriend. I am fluid bonded with my boyfriend and not with my husband because he is not fixed and has a boyfriend of his own. His intimate friend he calls him. My boyfriend is mono and has no other loves but me. I have a tersiary that is an intimate friend to me and I am looking for a girlfriend that would be an intimate friend also.
Now that I have said all that I would ask that you let it all go and take me and my family for who I am as individuals not what we define ourselves as.