Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 08-08-2013, 01:20 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915
Default Being Out.

We have a lot of newbies and lurkers who read the forum. Though the novel of my life is being written in a different colour of ink in a whole new book, I do believe I have a bit of insight.

For those who are just now reading this, I was out, and now that we have relocated, not a soul here knows. My husband has strong opposition against being out, and I agree with him.

My ex and I made the decision to be out without fully considering the ramifications and the costs for all parties involved. My husband certainly had no way of knowing either. I did not bank on him being forced to choose between me or his mum. I did not bank on my in-laws blackballing my ex and insuring that she had no ties to any familial functions. I did not bank on her calling me a silly little ungrateful twit/SLUT. I did not bank on my husband's former friends and co-workers telling him that he could do better than someone who could not commit to him only. I did not bank on my own parents expressing quiet disappointment and even being told by my mum in the beginning that she did not raise me like this or to break my vows. I did not bank on people asking why I got married if I still wanted to play the field. My parents have never said it and probably never will, but I felt like I brought them shame. I did not bank on anything negative. I had my head in the sand.

As far as my children, it started off fine. My daughter used to tell my ex, "My mummy loves you." After the fireworks about six months ago, everything reversed. My oldest is not very forgiving, and even before I made the decision to sever all ties with my ex, she explicitly stated that she did not want to see her, spend time with her, or be around her. She no longer says her name, and for as long as she has been able to talk, she called her Mummy Si. I did not bank on my child's change of heart. I thought my child would not mind having a third parent. She ended up viewing her like a threat because she was the one who was taking her mummy away from her. The list goes on and on.

We chose to be out because honestly I was only concerned with my now-ex feeling like the little dirty secret and the complexities of being closeted. I did not want to always be mindful of what I said, how I acted, or anything of that nature. It seemed too tedious.

Was it nice to be able to receive invites with plus two instead of plus one? Sure. Was it nice to be able to go on dates, meet her friends, meet her family, and see the pride and joy from that? Sure. Was it nice to not have to hide or refer to her as my special friend? Sure. Was it nice to be able to hold hands, kiss, and do couple-y things? Sure. Was it worth all the pain that it caused my immediate family? No.

Unless someone outright asked, we just did not voluntarily give up the information that, "Hey. This is such and such." So yes, we were out but not shoving it down people's throats. We respected and accepted that not everyone shared the same views on relationships.

Honestly, I do regret being out, and I have no idea how long we will be undoing the damage caused by being out. No one wants to be told, "You can do better." No one wants to disappoint their parents or cause them shame. My parents have never said it, but I always felt like they were shamed by my decision to be out and living in such a way. Most of all, my decision caused my DH grief and sorrow beyond belief. I wish I had never involved my children, and I can only hope that one day my baby will forget about this. I hope she knows that I am sorry for thinking that she needed a third parent and forcing it on her to complete my full circle of being "out" and proud. My son is only one, so I know he will not remember this time in his life.

Lesson learned.
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