Talked to the lawyer again, after Raga sent me an email checking in because they should have received it by now. No kidding! They should have received it almost two weeks ago.
She was annoyed when I suggested to check that they didn't get it and said I should ask him for the tracking number. I said there isn't one and I suspect she'll say that there is nothing to do then and it's our fault for not tracking it. I can't blame her for that, but I do blame her for trying to convince me to file jointly. Ultimately it's my fault that I did of course. I always fall for it, try to give him a chance to end this on a good note, and I'm always disappointed. I can't stop hating myself for it. The whole point of the Nevada divorce was that it was a way to do it where he could not stop it, prevent it or slow it down. The second I said yes to his filing with me, I lost all of that, and made it all rely on him. And if there is something I learned about him, it's that he's completely unreliable. As much as he always blames it on everything else, he doesn't realise that failing to plan is planning to fail. I'm sure he's thinking 'oh well it's not my fault if the mail got lost' but the fact still is that in order to save 15 bucks, he's costing me a thousand, three weeks delay in the divorce, the loss of a job that stopped being available in August (after waiting for me to be divorced since August 2011) and possibly even preventing me from divorcing if I need a resident affidavit again as I need to leave the country soon and my landlord now knows that since I had to give my notice on the first of August.
But just as he is to blame for relying on the post office instead of getting a guarantee in the form of tracking, I am to blame for relying on him instead of getting a guarantee in the form of filing alone.
I hate that in the past decade, my worst mistakes have all been trusting and relying. I wish I could go back and do everything on my own. I shouldn't have agreed to marry him so he could stay in France and trusted he'd cooperate if we divorced. I shouldn't have trusted him to file the application for my Canadian residency, which he still blames me for even though my side was done in 2009 (I even complained on a forum in 2010) that I had to refile most of it since the data I had put in was all out of date by then. So I know I'm not remembering it wrong.
I shouldn't have trusted him with the Canadian divorce and should have applied for it before I left Canada.
When I look back, every time I chose 'trust him, give him a chance' over 'be cynical and do everything yourself', I got bitten for it. Even the smallest thing. One thing that I can't forget is when I decided to learn to sew and had an exam. I wanted to check if I had packed my sewing supply. I was about to but he said he had checked, and when I started checking he said I didn't trust him, and as hard as it was, I agree not to check and left.
Of course they weren't in there. The whole trip there I wanted to check but made myself not check. I though I should trust him more, that working on it would be good for our relationship, etc.
So when I got there, it was too late yo go back and get them. And I had to do my sewing exam with no sewing supplies, which basically means I had yo wait for someone to finish their assignment and then be willing to lend me theirs.
Obviously I didn't pass, and I made up something about the written part of the exam having stupid questions because I wanted to be 'oh well' and not stay wounded by it.
But then he kept telling everyone about how I had stupid questions on my test and every time I had that same feeling again, of wanting to go back and not make that mistake again.
I hate that I'm still hurt by it after all this time. I hate that it still makes me cry. But it embodies the whole thing so very perfectly. I tried so hard to trust him but he didn't deserve that trust, and instead of getting closer we'd just grow more apart until the idea of trusting him with my life and my body because horrifying to me. I became so controlling. When I deal with him I get like that again.
Buy not enough. I still go 'well he's trying, I should give him a chance'
And I think I know why. I think it's because I tell myself that if one time, just one time, I end up being right trusting him, then all these times getting hurt, having my life get nowhere and so on will have been worth it.
But I'm just throwing good money after bad... Except it's not just money, it's my whole life.
I need to stop caring about seeing myself as a trusting person, and start caring about taking care of myself, my life, my career, everything.
Sorry I've been venting so much. It's so frustrating seeing so clearly how you've been wrong and being unable to go back and fix it.
In other, better news, I talked to the immigration lawyer again. He says if I'm divorced within a couple of weeks, I might still be able to stay in the US. So if I file the new paperwork right now, it will be a bit tight but it should still be OK.