An unstable element. This guy, Grotto's friend - was avoiding giving him a name here because I've been trying to contain this experience (ha, yup. Doesn't work.) So: Lobe. He's great. We hang out to do things we both like doing. "Activity partners". But it ain't easy...
I am being extremely cautious. I don't talk about my feelings with him. Well, not my feelings towards
him. I have no idea whether he's finding this fine, sticking to a non-physical friendship. But man... driving me a bit nuts sometimes. I need to find other ways to get release. Channel this into creativity somehow?
I have two unsent e-mails.
One to Grotto:
Finding it hard with Lobe. I'm really attracted to him, and not getting the release of exploration is building up, sometimes a bit crazy. We've been catching up platonically but that's just made me like him more. And not touching is becoming pretty !! at times. My tactics have been to avoid talking with him about how I feel, which has helped to keep things in check between us. But I'm not coping too well always. We had plans to do a few things later on this month but I'm feeling like I should probably back out I guess I need to acknowledge my limits.
I wanted to be okay with this, but I'm not.
I don't mean I'm not okay with how you feel and where your boundaries are. I mean, I'm not okay with managing to hang out with Lobe platonically. I don't even really know where the line is and I think that's the problem. I end up avoiding this, and that, and - you know me and expression. What do I do with it all?
There are heaps of things that are totally not sexual that Lobe and I can do and I was hoping I could just do that shit and ignore the rest but fuck it, I like him.
Maybe fallen a wee bit :/ Man.
Sorry to vent on you but I'd rather say this shit to you and maintain the boundary you need, than talk about this shit with Lobe. Wouldn't feel right about doing that.
The other to Lobe:
I really want to hang out with you, because I like you and like spending time with you. But I'm not sure if I can. Struggling a bit with boundaries.
This sucks, cos I'd rather see you than not see you.
But this is making me slightly mental, I don't quite get how to behave towards you, I'm driving uphill against my instincts a bit and I don't know if I can always be good at doing that.
Catching up to play around with making and breaking things sounds like fun, for instance. But it also makes me panic, oh my god, how will I get through not touching you.
Anyway, sorry to bail for a bit. Need some time out.
Luckily Lobe's away on work this week. And Ocean comes to visit (YAY!) the day after Lobe gets back. Then I'm away. So it will be a fortnight we won't be alone together. I might use that time to let things simmer down a bit.
Probably won't send the above e-mails. I think I mostly just needed to write. Eep... this is what monogamy feels like? Maybe a bit! Haha.
I do NOT want to put pressure on Grotto to shift his boundary. Yes I would love if he didn't have that restriction on me, but it's something real that he's working through and I need to give him space to do that. And I also need to be okay if the boundary will not shift, in the end. I think I can be okay with that, because I trust Grotto is doing work on getting to the root of the issue.
Some reasons he's identified for needing me to respect this boundary:
- Wanting one special thing (sex? intimacy? not sure what) that was just for him (at least in the context of his inner friends circle) – a small symbolic monogamy.
- Fear of an existing close friendship transforming, if it is cast into a new dynamic. He doesn’t want to fuck with the friendship he has with Lobe
- Wants his close friendships to be a safe space where he can go to be himself, to be something familiar. He doesn't want to risk losing that assuredness
- Since I broke this boundary, there's some added complexity around feeling betrayed by me, and other associated bruises
I see where he's coming from, and I'm not sure where we're going from here.
It's almost like I'm waiting to see if Grotto and Lobe can open up their friendship to me!