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Old 08-06-2013, 10:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Suddenly I was apparently doing things wrong...which was entertaining since the sudden complaint was for something that they had TOLD ME to do the last time we had met. It was sudden and bewildering for me...but of course my wife saw it coming, and had a good ďTold you soĒ moment. Despite the warning, given that I might actually be screwed up enough to consider leaning on friends for a change, instead of always propping them up, the timing of this incident stung a bit.
Women and men see the world differently. Sounds like your friend was female. If your wife saw it coming, that doesn't at all mean it was communicated appropriately to you. AND
more importantly I think
Just because she bailed on the friendship doesn't mean you did anything wrong either.
It hurts, it's frustrating, it adds to the insecurity. But fight back my friend. Because it isn't your job to read the minds of others. Not at all. If they aren't communicating their need-then it's not your fault if you fail to meet it. Period.

I get not being pretty enough to date, but not pretty enough to even be friends with, doesnít make sense to me.
Sigh. This is so many ways of fucked up for you to think. I can't even respond right now. But being pretty doesn't matter Seriously. Maca was SO freaking insecure about me coming to stay wth you guys for ONE NIGHT. Because I talk ENDLESSLY about you. Yes-Im serious. I'm not elaborating here and I just cant comment to the pretty. Really? That's just fucked up.

But Iím sick and tired of being the proper dutiful supportive friend who puts blood sweat & tears into a friendship, just to have them bail. Any my remaining friends wonder why Iím so reluctant to lean on anything that isnít nailed to the wall!
Nod. Wish we were closer (literal proximity) so I could smack you a few times. Not meanly-just to remind you that OTHER PEOPLE BAILING doesn't mean that you are a screw up! You need to email me so we can talk. It sounds like you need to hear what some of us women who aren't able to be near enough to pursue romance think of you.

Between friend abandonment issues, and non-dating woes, this seems to be leading down the path of whatís the fucking point. The apathy seems to be kicking in, where I wonder why have an OKC profile when so many letters are met with silence, and with the thread on the forum about the shit messages other guys send, or the winners who have contaminated my wifeís message box with their useless drivel, lies, and other crap, itís no bloody wonder.
Deleted mine-cause it was just a disastrous drama maker.

Part of me wants to rattle the bars of the invisible cage and rage against the night. I want to fight back and find the solutions to fix whateverís wrong...but then I find out that basically, ...
I have nothing to complain about...
When Iíve tried using others as a sounding board for any of this tripe, Iíve been basically getting a similar message coming back to me. STFU. Usually itís accompanied by a roshambo because in the moment of trying to sort out my shit, Iíve failed to take into account someone elseís feelings on the subject.
Rail away about your frustrations. We all have them. Sounds to me like you were simply venting to the wrong people. Vent to Ari-he rocks-I spent months falling for him by instant message-because he's just so down to earth. Much like you. :P
Vent to me. I think Ari will agree I am a decent listener and I have suffered some similar frustrations. Especially the "you are the one who wanted open/poly dynamic so why are you expressing concern about someone I chose now?"

So apparently itís time to learn that sometimes the best way to communicate, communicate, communicate is to Shut the Fuck Up!
Sometimes so. Been there too. I'm sorry you are there. But I am here and willing to listen if you decide you want someone to blah blah blah the "stfu" info to who won't repeat it around and isn't involved enough to be hurt by it.

I canít say that time with metaís makes me feel like a cattle getting pushed through the chutes to the slaughterhouse. That would make them feel bad, or as if I didnít want to spent time with them at all. Theyíre genuinely good people, and are not responsible that Iím all fucked up. And time with them makes my wife STFU.
Naw-you say "lovely wife, I need some space for me. I know you need this right now. But JUST LIKE YOU needed space with (enter name of gf when I visited last year), I need space too. I know you love me and I hope you will understand, this isn't an "I hate him" issue, it's a "I need to be me too" issue and being me doesn't include spending all of my time with him..

I canít talk about my irrational fears of her having a kid in the candy store phase; since itís obviously itís just because thatís what I would do. STFU.
"Lovely wife, I know I'm always your strong, logical, sensible man (except when I go candy store addiction). But I have irrational fears sometimes too. I need some reassurance for those and it's fucking damn hard to ask you to do that because I never want you to doubt that I'm your strong, logical and sensible man. I never want you to think I'm self serving or trying to hold you back. I love you and I want the best for you and for us. But today, today I'm terrified of you becoming a candy addict like me and I could really use a date-just you and me-and some reassurance that you are still the beautiful, rational, sensible woman I married."

More importantly, perhaps these discussions just become the catalyst by which people get fed up being around me? So if I keep talking about my insecure crap, the more likely it is that sheíd just decide I was becoming more effort than I was worth.
So again...STFU.
I don't think so. I think if you consider HOW you word it-that you would find she found it endearing. She knows you have weaknesses II. She's not a stupid woman. She chose you. She loves you. It's ok to let her know you have insecurities. Just choose your words in a way that starts by letting her know-you aren't asking her to NOT do what she needs to do. You're just asking for her to listen so you can continue to depend on her as your comrade, your friend, your wife-in your time of weakness. (you can tell her I said that too if you like).

I canít tell my remaining friends that I feel rejected or pissed off because a couple friends bailed on me. After all, THEY didnít abandon or reject me. STFU.
Dude-just get ahold of me. Seeriously.
I canít tell my (lady) friends how frustrating it is to have so many messages online met by silence, because theyíve had many months of messages and dates with numerous guys, but not the sufficient quality for what they want. STFU.
Ditto what I said yesterday

Canít comment on not getting out of the house, because most of the time when I do have the chance, I stay at home anyways. STFU.
Ask her to remind you-hey honey-time to GO. When you are tempted to sit in the office. Hell-just imagine I'm in there annoying you. Then run out the door.

Canít even justify searching for a gf, since itís not like my marriage is actually missing anything. Having a gf just to have an excuse to leave the house (see above), wouldnít be fair to her. Admitting that I still want a gf, Iím afraid of triggering my wifeís insecurities. If I did have one, that might cause scheduling issues for her and her bf, and after the rest of this blog, what appearance would that have? The whole thing is just a giant bottomless free-refills cup of STFU!
Sigh. Yep-you have yourself in an emotional mess my friend. I have seen you work through these types of difficulties raised by others with aplomb. You aren't thinking on your best level right now. Sounds like you are overwhelmed and hurting. Need to vent some buckets. Cause this one-this one can be worked through.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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