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Old 08-06-2013, 10:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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II-I can't reply to all of this on my cell-much like Ari said. But-I borrowed someone else's laptop real quick so I could at least drop you a line.
I'm going to put the short message here-then try to fill in where I can before I have to return this.
A) I loved how sweet and considerate you were when I was over last year. It was heartbreaking for me to realize how far away I am from people I feel comfortable around.
B) I would love to talk to you more-outside of here. I will pm you my contact info if you don't have it.
C) Be patient with yourself. There's a LOT of stuff going down in the last couple months and some of your inability to "get over" it or get comfortable very well could be just the combination of twisted shit that's been happening. THAT IS OK.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I’m finding myself still trying to come to terms with the nature of my wife’s new relationship. Things with her new bf have settled out a bit in terms of the earlier concerns I had. But I’m still not really feeling better about things, and it’s starting to annoy me that I can’t seem to just “get over it!”
It's ok to not feel "over it". Don't push yourself to be "mr. perfect" If you aren't there yet-you aren't there yet and that's ok.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
They are spending a lot of time together, and I find family events are being increasingly blended. This probably shouldn’t be a problem, but I’ve been getting increasingly sensitive about having my life planned for me, and while there’s been steps made to mitigate that issue, I often don’t feel I have the room to maneuver, the space to sort myself out. With all my wife’s extra-curricular activities, she keeps trying to kick me out of the house once in a while since I’m at home with the kids all the time. But it doesn’t help that my inclinations these days is to stay home in my office...which in terms of getting out of the house and time away from the kids, and mess, and other house stuff, is counterproductive.
As you know we all live together. Its been IMPERATIVE to be able to plan time "as a family" for Maca and I with the kids. If we didn't do that, Maca would go nuts. GG isn't his best friend, he doesn't want to spend every moment with him shared. We do special things (bdays, holidays) all together. But we make time every week for JUST Maca and I with the kids. (there is also just GG and I with kids time).
Don't feel bad if you need some time with your family that doesn't include the other guy. That's ok!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I’m trying not to be too conscious of the time she spends with her bf, and I tease her a fair amount in an attempt to make the situation light. It’s a kind of litmus test for me that I’m still cool with things.
Just be careful not to joke about what needs addressed seriously. Not only can it be confusing, but it can create hurt feelings too.




Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
It’s also possible that I’ve been reading too many of the tragic cases in poly! The marriage that turns into a sexless and perhaps loveless trudging through time, after a partner discovers a BBD partner and loses interest in the spouse. (In reference to the last post, in case it was missed, BBD = Bigger, Better Deal) Or our favourite late night paid programming advertisement Poly’s Go Wild! Where suddenly having the freedom to receive favourable attention, they start seeking it out to the extreme, leaving the original partners in the dust going WTF? (My wife used to restrain herself...and still does...I do recognize that this isn’t a rational line of thought, but also how often do we end up having to shrug at unexpected behavior and admit “People change?”)
Definitely, I find that reading the drama and sob stories-is not healthy for my dynamic. I now limit myself to the people I consider friends Like you! I don't read every other story because really it just gets me to second guessing the what if's and really-who the hell knows what if really?
Probably do you good to limit some of that dramatic reading-limit yourself to some positive reading for awhile (fyi-we're doing really well so feel free to bug me for positive stories if you need them).



Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
And of course when I dare speak about this concern to my wife, she managed to reverse the whole thing to be my own fault, because if I had half a chance to be the kid in the candy store...we both know I have an incorrigible sweet tooth.
Yeah-de ja vu. Can't say much to this one except to again be patient with yourself and remind her-you can even tell her I said this-lol-
Just because you are a candy addict, doesn't in anyway mean you aren't going to be worried about her becoming one when she eats candy.
And I think you are both great-so if either of you needs to vent about candy addictions-I am here and won't hold it against you. I have my vices too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Either way, I still get the feeling that I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
God I do get that one! It's been so long since Maca put a stop to the dramafest he was dealing with. But I waited and waited, months and months for the other shoe to drop. I kept trying to stop myself. But to no avail. Only in the last couple of months have I started to fall into a comfortable relaxation with the fact that he really did learn some lessons and change.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
So I not only have trouble getting people to understand me, but often I struggle to interact at all. Many of the social niceties or norms, I wonder sometimes if I’ve just forgotten. So often I go quiet in the middle (and sometimes beginning and end as well) just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or talk about. Could this be a factor in the less than stellar results I’ve seen when trying to make new friends?
It might be. I do that too. I find it helpful to just "pick up again" at whatever point you realize you stopped. Like here-I haven't talked to you in what? A year. :P But I think about you all of the time. I read the updates on fb, I click like on the pics. But I forget how to start a conversation sometimes.
Just jump in there when you realize you've gone silent and say ANYTHING.
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Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 08-07-2013 at 12:16 AM. Reason: Quote tags
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