Things are still not very awesome around here.
Had 2 first dates last week... one with a guy I'm a 99 % match with on OKC. He is a GREAT guy.. I mean on paper he's perfect, and even in real life everything about him was good except for the fact that I felt zero attraction. I wrote about this on another thread and some stories about people ending up in a satisfying relationship with someone they did not feel attracted to on the first date, made me think ~I need to give him a second chance. Not sure though and I don't have a lot of energy right now. We're still emailing though so we'll see.
Other date was with very cure funny smart guy, we share a lot of views on life and love, and I was definitely attracted to him... and I think he's interested in me too. But I do get the sense he's more looking for a FWB type of thing than a real emotional connection. So I'm a little cautious. We were supposed to go on a second date tomorrow but I cancelled it because I'm too stressed out about my dad.. told him the truth about this and he was very gracious and said he hoped we would be able to get together soon. I hate breaking a date but it really did not feel right.. I know I'm vulnerable and looking for attention / comfort right now, and am scared this could lead to me making wrong / rash decisions.
Speaking of which.. I had the house to myself last night and a friend came over. I've known him for a long time, but we've only become close recently. There is a lot of chemistry between us, but we are working on a project together where he is sort of my mentor, and so I always thought we should NOT go the route of anything sexual. He is single, but last night told me he's met someone and they just started dating. I felt a little jealous ( I know... crazy) and at the same time relieved because he's mono and I thought now he's dating, it will take some of the tension between us away.
Well obviously not... we ended up kissing and cuddling and it was great, I mean it felt great in the moment, but afterwards I did feel sad. I know this is not going anywhere (would I want it too? don't really know) and I was scared it would have hurt our professional relationship. I also felt that I gave in to my feelings of loneliness, just wanting to feel another body to make some of the stress and hurt I'm experiencing go away. Not a very good reason perhaps to start a make out session
Anyway, today I'm alone, feeling a little lonely and blue. Not sure where my life is taking me at the moment - I sure don't feel very much in control right now.