..., and adrift
But all this is just standard insecurity crap isnít it? Whatís the broken part? Iíve been starting to get the sense over the last while that Iím just not relating to people properly anymore. Iím inclined to think it has something to do with work, mostly because I have no issues dealing with people there. I have some co-workers that are good friends, and I rarely get the sense when talking to people there that they donít understand me. But it is a culture distinct and separate from the rest. So I not only have trouble getting people to understand me, but often I struggle to interact at all. Many of the social niceties or norms, I wonder sometimes if Iíve just forgotten. So often I go quiet in the middle (and sometimes beginning and end as well) just because I donít know what Iím supposed to say or talk about. Could this be a factor in the less than stellar results Iíve seen when trying to make new friends?
It follows into the rejections I seem to continue to experience. The friends I mentioned before may not have wanted to date me, but at least they still wanted to be friends. Yet then thereís the rejection suffered at the hands of a friend that I still donít understand. A friend of almost 2 years recently decided to excise me from her life entirely, without so much as a BTW. Sparing you the boring details, I thought I was doing everything that a good friend was supposed to do, supporting them through rough times, and visiting occasionally to stay in touch. Suddenly I was apparently doing things wrong...which was entertaining since the sudden complaint was for something that they had TOLD ME to do the last time we had met. It was sudden and bewildering for me...but of course my wife saw it coming, and had a good ďTold you soĒ moment. Despite the warning, given that I might actually be screwed up enough to consider leaning on friends for a change, instead of always propping them up, the timing of this incident stung a bit.
Being sort of but not really on the heels of another friend of over 20 years who decided our friendship wasnít worth the paper we clean our bottoms with; this kind of thing starts to make me wonder what Iím doing wrong? I get not being pretty enough to date, but not pretty enough to even be friends with, doesnít make sense to me.
And mostly I think these things just make me really really angry. It feels like a betrayal. And regardless of the whole friend-zone meme debate going on around FB these days, thatís another discussion, but not what this is about. Iím used to unrequited love. Itís pretty standard for me to have feelings that run in one direction, and need to be quashed at some point or another. Thatís fine. But Iím sick and tired of being the proper dutiful supportive friend who puts blood sweat & tears into a friendship, just to have them bail. Any my remaining friends wonder why Iím so reluctant to lean on anything that isnít nailed to the wall!
Thereís probably a reason that IRL my attraction centre is all messed up, where I get drawn to women who donít date men..., since if thereís no possibility or expectation that theyíd accept me as a date, thereís no disappointment when nothing happens.
Between friend abandonment issues, and non-dating woes, this seems to be leading down the path of whatís the fucking point. The apathy seems to be kicking in, where I wonder why have an OKC profile when so many letters are met with silence, and with the thread on the forum about the shit messages other guys send, or the winners who have contaminated my wifeís message box with their useless drivel, lies, and other crap, itís no bloody wonder.
Part of me wants to rattle the bars of the invisible cage and rage against the night. I want to fight back and find the solutions to fix whateverís wrong...but then I find out that basically, ...
I have nothing to complain about...
When Iíve tried using others as a sounding board for any of this tripe, Iíve been basically getting a similar message coming back to me. STFU. Usually itís accompanied by a roshambo because in the moment of trying to sort out my shit, Iíve failed to take into account someone elseís feelings on the subject.
So apparently itís time to learn that sometimes the best way to communicate, communicate, communicate is to Shut the Fuck Up!
I canít say that time with metaís makes me feel like a cattle getting pushed through the chutes to the slaughterhouse. That would make them feel bad, or as if I didnít want to spent time with them at all. Theyíre genuinely good people, and are not responsible that Iím all fucked up. And time with them makes my wife happy...so STFU.
I canít tell my wife to date women. Itís entirely self-serving, and sheíd feel pressured. I canít use reverse psychology and tell her to not date women, since sheíd just see through it anyways. STFU.
I canít talk about my irrational fears of her having a kid in the candy store phase; since itís obviously itís just because thatís what I would do. STFU. More importantly, perhaps these discussions just become the catalyst by which people get fed up being around me? So if I keep talking about my insecure crap, the more likely it is that sheíd just decide I was becoming more effort than I was worth.
I canít tell my remaining friends that I feel rejected or pissed off because a couple friends bailed on me. After all, THEY didnít abandon or reject me. STFU.
I canít tell my (lady) friends how frustrating it is to have so many messages online met by silence, because theyíve had many months of messages and dates with numerous guys, but not the sufficient quality for what they want. STFU.
Canít comment on not getting out of the house, because most of the time when I do have the chance, I stay at home anyways. STFU.
Canít even justify searching for a gf, since itís not like my marriage is actually missing anything. Having a gf just to have an excuse to leave the house (see above), wouldnít be fair to her. Admitting that I still want a gf, Iím afraid of triggering my wifeís insecurities. If I did have one, that might cause scheduling issues for her and her bf, and after the rest of this blog, what appearance would that have? The whole thing is just a giant bottomless free-refills cup of STFU!
Thereís probably plenty more I could add, but itís time for me to STFU some more.
So instead of talking about any of my crap, I just need to STFU. I need to HOLD FAST, white knuckled at the coming events, and take shelter in old familiar patterns and try taking my mind off things.
As usual though, it is still not working. It still builds the frustration. Iím not happy with several things about myself lately, and Iím angry at a lot of things, and itís not entirely focused on a discernible cause. And of course my wife is seeing it...and keeps asking. But I need to STFU.
So many things I canít tell her, canít say, lest it be taken the wrong way. Things I canít say because I donít want to be THAT guy! And because I donít want to make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy where I say whatever is needed for her to reject me in a way that would make my worst fears come true.
All I CAN do, is hold her tight, and tell her that I love her...