Rules for Safe Sex & Resources for STD risk
I know I'm repeating a question that was just asked today, but my question is more broad. I'm also sure this is already covered somewhere, so please point me to the post if it has.
I'm a female new to nonmonogamy and trying to figure out the best way to establish rules for safe sex. Can anyone point me in the direction of any relevant resources?
Right now I'm fluid bound with both my 'primary' and my 'secondary' partners, who are both male.
My rule right now is for my partners to use condoms with other people during intercourse unless they are exclusive with them. I want to require lab work before continuing to have unprotected sex with them (when I first started seeing my secondary we exchanged recent test results and it was a great experience). If sex is not planned, then I'd want my partner to get tested before having unprotected sex with me. So to continue unprotected sex, I'd want recent lab work from either them or their new partner.
I'm also wondering if I should apply the same rules during oral sex (condoms and lab work before unprotected sex with me), though this seems possibly too demanding. Asking for lab work also seems possibly 'controlling', especially if the nature of the relationship is 'casual sex'. I personally have a problem with the health risks involved in casual sex, but I don't want to control my partners' sex lives.
I don't know what the risks of contracting STDs through oral sex are, except that they're relatively low compared with penetrative sex. The first time I had sex with a man, it was protected and I contracted HPV. Although I've been testing negative for it for year since, the whole experience was traumatizing for me and I'm scared of repeating it.
I've read that practicing nonmonogamy is basically 'signing up' for herpes, and that terrifies me. Although I know any STD is manageable, I feel different taking that risk with people I know, and taking that risk when I'm not directly involved.
I'm curious to hear how other nonmongamous couples deal with this 'reality/fear' and what rules you have in place.