thank you fuchka that was beautiful to read.
It reminded me of one my favorite Pema Chodron quotes
You are the sky
Everything else, it's just the weather
It is a really good analogy.
My grandmother, who, had she lived in modern times would have been diagnosed with depression (in her days, it just meant that every now and then she stayed in bed for a month, everybody tiptoed around the house and outside help was brought in to look after the kids) had this habit of calling this number where you could hear the weather report. She was afraid of heat, thunder, and rain (because it could cause an accident that would kill someone in her family)
Her daughters found out when the phone bills kept getting higher and higher.
I can just see her, frantically dialing that number every hour or so, hoping the report had changed, not looking out the window to look at the actual weather, thinking that calling that number gave her some control over certain circumstances that she dreaded.
I truly believe that the way out of any upset, sadness and fear and depression and dark place, is to look at reality and see it for what it is and don't try to change it and if it's bad, just sit it out and don't think you can control it because you can't.
I know it to be true it's just that I haven't found the magic flip to switch so that I can actually start FEELING that way, too.
early forties, straight.