Poly or Selfish?

I'm trying to figure out whether I truly am poly or just being selfish. I have been friends with a guy for over 10 years, and throughout all this time we've never been together, but we both get jealous when the other is in a relationship. We usually just keep quiet because as long as the other is happy, than we're happy. Almost two years ago I met an amazing man and we recently got married.

I have loved my friend for almost the whole time we've known each other, but timing was just never there, and prior to getting married we both had a "come to Jesus talk" where we put all our cards on the table. He admitted that he's loved me just as long as I've loved him, and I admitted I love him. He's been living approximately three hours from me, so we've just been long-distance friends.

We've been talking almost every day, and we continue to live our separate lives. But I brought up the concept of being poly.

My husband knew something was on my mind for approximately a week, and I just broke down and told him the full truth. I love/am in love with him and my friend. When he asked me whom I loved more, I told him it wasn't possible for me to answer that. For me, it is as if I have two separate hearts, which they each have completely. After reading some posts on here (thank you for them all), and talking about where our lines could be, be he is open to the possibility. I have also talked to my friend about it, and he is open to the possibility.

All the three of us want is for everyone to be happy, and we don't want ruin relationships that are already in place. Prior to all the talk becoming action, I need some advice from people that are poly, and know the lifestyle. Am I just being selfish by "wanting my cake and eating it too" or does there seem to be the possibility of a poly lifestyle?

It could be either. Only you know your true feelings. Be honest, be upfront and don't take action until you are all three clear and on the same page. It will help alleviate other complications.

You haven't sat down to really talk with both people (the husband and the friend) to assess if a healthy, ethical poly relationship is doable here. It was just an initial temperature check. I'm glad that part went well.

Why are we thinking of doing this? Is everyone wanting it because they want it for themselves, or because you want it and they want to go with what you want? Sort that out next.

After that, take a deeper assessment to map out the what and how of it. Read things together. Sort it out. If it's a good investment risk, go on to trying it on. If it's is just too incompatible, stay friends-- friends grown closer for having thought this out together.

What open model are you thinking of? Will you be the only one with two partners, or will they also date others at some point? Can all of you thrive in the open relationship model you are considering together, versus merely survive in it?

How do you each cope with emotional management things like jealousy? Or more jealousy? What pitfalls are they prepared for? What about poly hell?

If it doesn't work out, how do you each want to be as exes? Everyone ends up single? Still friends or part ways and never speak? If you can't talk about that now when things are good, you don't want to first talk about it when it is already happening.

More links:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.morethantwo.com/

Look before you leap,
Galagirl

test

Would you allow your husband or boyfriend the right to love another woman? If so, you're not selfish.

Poly AND Selfish

vetmanager13 said:

It is as if I have two separate hearts, which they each have completely.

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You don't have two separate hearts. You simply have one fully functional set of emotions. The ability to love is not a scarce resource. That assertion is a myth, plain and simple. Throw that idea out with the concept that the earth is flat, the sun revolves around us, and that dinosaur bones were imbedded in the earth by the devil.

vetmanager13 said:

Am I just being selfish by "wanting my cake and eating it too" or does there seem to be the possibility of a poly lifestyle?

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As Flowerchild alluded to, polyamory includes a pretty vast selection of relationship approaches. If you recognize that love is not a scarce resource, and that having the option to have multiple romantic partners at the same time is preferable, you are polyamorous.

All of the other stuff is what kind of relationship your are interested in. There are Closed Triads, Open Vees, Hierarchical Plural Marriages, Rules-Heavy Open.

The number of possible approaches is more diverse than you might imagine.


Is it selfish to want to be happy and to adjust your life to maximize flourishing? Absolutely. Is that bad and something to be avoided? Not remotely.

For me, personally, when it comes to relationships, if it's not cake, I'm not eating it.

First and foremost, thank you to everyone that has replied to my post to help me figure this out.

GalaGirl, thank you for your “steps” into figuring out if this is the best path for everyone involved. I really had no idea how to go about this. I could see the dream finish line but the steps to it were very fuzzy. I will be looking into the links you provided. I do not believe you can be too informed, especially since this involves a change that could completely change our lives. I already know that jealousy will be a hurdle that I will have to overcome, but I know not only will it help me as a person, but also my relationships. Life isn’t always easy. Things don't always come up roses. So I am willing to look ahead at a possible negative ending.

To Flowerchild, allowing them to love other women isn’t the question. It isn’t my right to say no, since they have both agreed with me loving them fully. Will it be difficult at first? I’m not going to lie, but that is one of the things I am figuring out prior to us making any decisions/moves, because I believe that I will have difficulty with that.

Marcus, thank you for your different viewpoint on the comments I made, especially with the viewpoint I had of having two hearts, which obviously I know is not possible, but it seemed to be the easiest way to explain it to my husband when he asked whom I loved more.

I have been learning more and more about poly, and the types of relationships out there, since opening up to the thought of being poly. Until I found the idea of being polyamorous, I just felt as though I was a bad person because I loved another man aside from my husband. But I have since found that it is actually natural and can be acceptable. I guess, growing up, our parents always told us to do what made us happy, and once I fully look at it, this truly is the best for everyone involved.

I now have even more to look through and decide if polyamory is the best, most authentic move for everyone that would be in our Vee, since at this time that is what shape it would be.

I’m still looking forward to more input, suggestions and advice.

Did you husband know about this long time love of yours when you and he were dating, getting engaged, marrying? Did he know you and your old friend talked every day and were important to each other? Answer that. If he did know, it was not a huge transition to hear that there is more than platonic love there, but indeed chemistry and romance potential.

Good luck as things progress!

Actually, I think it's more selfish to want to possess a person than to love two people.

I have been where you are and my boyfriend at the time was wonderful about me being able to date the other person I was in love with.

Where you might be thought of as selfish is if you expect to be in a closed V situation, where you have both men, but neither can date anyone else. I do absolutely think closed polyamorous relationship can work, but only if everyone is truly happy with that setup. Some people, for example, are happier not to have 100% of your attention, time, etc.

For example, my current girlfriend also has a husband. My friends always ask when she's going to divorce him. In truth, I prefer it this way. I get my bed to myself sometimes, and there is another person in the relationship to fight my corner when we argue. I could probably do closed poly if it came to it (though I do prefer my freedom).

I would continue talking to both of them. All of you should be researching poly, techniques for overcoming jealousy, self-growth resources in general. It doesn't all fall onto you as the hinge, or them as the arms. Oh, and make sure that whatever you are doing with your long-term friend, you are being honest with hubby about it. Now is the time for honesty and growth.

Let us know how you get on.

Oh, and if you haven't already read it, a good starting point is morethantwo.com. You may also want to google Sternberg's love theory, which may help you to understand different love feelings.

For more reading, check out books like Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and Polyamory in the 21st Century (a little more dry).

These will all help you and your husband with the concept of loving more than one person. I love my husband and my boyfriend both very much. There is no saying who has "more" or "less," or really making any kind of comparison. They are two totally different people and two totally different relationships.

Realize that if you choose polyamory, you also have to be okay with the fact they they can love more than one.