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Old 02-08-2010, 04:11 PM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 175

There's a thread about "to be open or not" where I gave a longer description of my views on being openly poly. That post is here if you're interested.

So, more to your specific situation. First, understand that I'm not judging. I respect your concerns and I think they're valid fears and something that does need to be addressed in some way. But I differ on your approach to it.

I am part of a self-selected community based on philosophical ideals. As such, a big part of my fear when opening my relationship with my wife is that feelings about romantic relationships would get in the way of our activism relationships. So we originally put up a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Additionally, we have an understood but unspoken rule that we do NOT pick each other's partners.

We've rescinded that don't ask rule because it created a ton of tension for us and didn't work. But the "don't pick each other's partners" rule is very much in effect. For me, a prohibition on "Don't date from this pool" would be a violation of that rule. My wife doesn't exactly know what it is different people bring into my life and her blanket casting a "No" on a group would be disrespectful of the things those individual people could bring me and vice versa. I would feel hurt and denied by that.

I cannot let it go though. I don't want to even have the situation come up where we are at a party and I feel like I have to hide anything. I don't want all those people to talk if we don't hide, and I really don't want to deal with drama with people that I may have to deal with for a long time.
It seems like the very kind of "drama" you're trying to avoid is CREATED by the seperation you want. You say you don't want to hide anything, but you put this boundary in place SPECIFICALLY to prevent your colleagues from knowing that you're poly. To me, hiding a pretty big part of how I love is a lot bigger than dealing with drama that may or may not ever come out of a failed relationship with someone in that circle.
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