Thread: Less than
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Old 08-03-2013, 11:46 AM
Feria Feria is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Tulsa
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Maybe I was wrong in writing him a love letter. Maybe I pressured him by saying how deeply I loved him and that I missed seeing him. I was trying to poetic in my writing to him bc a few weeks ago he told me he loved and missed me and wished I was there. He asked me to write him a poem.
He cancelled our date night bc of something that was going on which I understood and was accommodating. His behaviour became cold. He would text me about his problems. I would in turn be supportive. When i told him i wouldnt see him in almost a month I was told "have fun" which shocked me, it was the way he said it. He then told me "thats life."
So I wrote a letter about remembering when we first met, how good i felt with him, how i missed and loved him. Saying i understand that right now times are tough and how i wished i could help him through these hard times. However I did say you are right there but so far away. Maybe that made him flip out. Im not sure. I had no hidden agenda. I was trying to be sweet so he felt my love and support.
I got a thank you and then my words twisted into something else. He started questioning me and i felt cold behavior, so I said I will let you be. I am sorry if my letter hurt or made you angry in someway. I was hoping he would reread that letter and our conersation and realize it was harmless. Why so much anger? Why so much blaming? The last thing i said to him was i didnt do anything wrong. Somehow in his head i do terrible things and am wrong. My feelings dont matter, only his.I want an apology from him. Hell I deserve an apology. We all have crap going on in our lives, but dont distant the people who love you.
When I got back together with him I was hoping things would change. I feel foolish. The thing is I am not even angry. I am shocked and dismayed. We have broken up at least 4 times over the last year. I broke up with him once bc I was fed up with the "couplecentric" behaviour. this last breakup I was told I am done with this s@@@. All over me telling him i loved him. Rejected over a love letter. Wth! Then tod I dont know what you want to hear in a nasty tone of voice. What i wanted to hear is that you feel the same way. That he appreciated my concern about him. Thank you for being there for me. No I got my answer from his comment. Hidden meaning"im just not that into you anymore" so let me project that by being nasty and blaming you for my inability to tell you directly thats what i mean.
Im not even poly. I was only poly bc of the situation. He knew this.
I could never talk about my feelings or emotions bc it always turned into a break up. Thats how i felt. Maybe someday we will have a real friendship with no romantic feelings on my end.
How I see it, he doesnt have time for a relationship outside his marriage. I think he is made for casual, FWB situation. I am not that girl. He wanted easy, go with the flow, lets see what happens type of guy. I am intense and want romance and passion. I dont play games. In my world you do or you dont. There is no in between.
The last time he tryed to break up with me he had told me that maybe he shoukdnt have romance outside his marriage and told me no more sex bc it complicates things. I was with him for over a year. We spent 3 to 4 days a week together for a year. That suddenly changed without any discussion to nit seeing him for two weeks maybe 3 weeks. Of course I am going to question what is going on. I dont think he was being honest. I know bad things were going on in his life, but he made time for his other friends. You dont think i noticed that? He is making plans to go on vacation without his wife with a friend. He would never do that with me. Not without his wife. I couldnt even be alone with him the entire time we dated. I always hung out with the wife too. That was a problem for me. I got no intimacy. I was not dating his wife. He would text me and ask me when are you coming to see us. We miss you. Again I am not dating your wife.
Perhaps I am crazy. I wanted what we used to have. I will no longer be a secondary or tertiary to anyone. This has been a hot and cold relationship, come here, go away for far too long. I tried to bring this up. I attempted communication, but that never worked. He just wants easy. Good luck with that.
I do know for a fact what he tells people what happened its all put on me. I no longer trust him. How would you expect someone to act when you are being told one thing and your actions dont match? Its confusing. Its crazy making. Its hurtful. Especially when the other person refuses to communicate when there is an issue. Its the maybe if i just ignore it maybe it will just go away mentality. Then when i bring it up all hell breaks loose. I get ignored, broken up with bc i wrote you a love letter. No. I dont work that way. I have no self esteem issues. I was trying so hard to be careful, walking on egg shells, trying to make whatever in the heck this was easy and not stressful. I always lose bc he thinks he is perfect and does nothing wrong. He closes up. He screamed at me. Accused me of ignoring him at a party. The thing is I will treat you the way you treat me. I am tired of being the one to make changes in a relationship when i see no changes from you. I was feeling like all i did was annoy or bother him. So i stopped texting. I let him make the first move. Im tired.
Again I am Not fishing for anything here. I am ranting on a forum. Thats it. Its actually quite helpful and I am angry.

Last edited by Feria; 08-03-2013 at 01:00 PM.
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