What a lousy day
I've already made one terrible decision this week so maybe now is not the best time but...
I've come to realize I want a deeper emotional connection to someone than either of these men are willing/capable of/desiring to give to me at this time. I know I am unlikely to find it elsewhere given that I'm not willing/capable of/desiring to put in the effort in building the other aspects of a relationship that would include that emotional connection nor would my current state be attractive to anyone new. That leaves me with the option of continuing to be unfulfilled and unhappy or perhaps working towards greater independence and self reliance. I am resistant that option because it feels so sad to me. I value those things but I have always exempted romantic relationships from those ideas. Of course that makes no sense. I call them partners because that is what I wanted. I will continue my relationships because I do value them and I am happy about what we share. I believe what we do have is worth having eventhough it doesn't meet my ideal. I have only ever thought of sucessful romantic relationships as being one set of things and emotionally fulfilling was certainly one of them. I'm not sure I am able to apply another point of view to my own life. I'm not sure I can be enough for myself either.