About a couple of months back, I slept with one of Grotto's close friends. This was a boundary
for Grotto, and the fallout from this continues... I feel I'm in some strange friendship/love triangle, just having to trust that all of us have a common allegiance to treating each other well at the core of it all. Their friendship predates my relationship with Grotto... There's some gender stuff in here too, like there's some boys' club, and I'm Yoko Ono that broke up the Beatles.
As for the dude himself... I'd only just been getting to know him (since moving to this city) but ah, attraction. I felt that moisture-to-dry-ground thing, when you can tell you're easing somebody in a way that's good for them. A cousin once accused me of needing to be needed - there's some truth in that. I like being a good thing in someone's life. But I also seek the reverse (perhaps less so, admittedly.) In any case... I'm soft for this guy. He reminds me of an old boyfriend, my first good relationship... that I also happened to have in this city, 12 years ago when I lived here (ahhhh, yup.)
So I can hang out with him, but I can't... what?
I'm not exactly clear what the boundary is. Definitely not sex, probably not intimacy of certain vague natures.
My current self-imposed rules of engagement are: Do not flirt. Do not discuss with The Friend any desires that are not able to be fulfilled given Grotto's current boundaries. Err on the side of coolness.
But sometimes, sitting and talking with him, he puts his arm around my shoulder... Ah... what am I meant to do about that? I want to lean in, cuddle... but is that too far? Gee, I'm really not sure. I'm trying to behave platonically without really understanding what platonic means.
I've brought this up with Grotto occasionally, but it's hard cos he's so tender about it. Still bruised, still healing... why do I keep poking it? Maybe I should admit that I need to step back and let things settle more. But this friend has been feeling depressed, and I'd like to be able to be there for him a bit, give him excuses to leave the house, etc. Basically, be caring. But not too caring. Almost as if this is a professional relationship. Maybe that's a workable analogy, for me.
But - ugh - gross. I don't want to conceive of relationships with people like that.
One of the last few times I talked about this topic with Grotto, he started freaking out about the idea of seeing his friend again, after what had happened. This was bad, the paranoid growth. The only way to fix it would be for them to hang out together - and that was largely out of my control. I was patient for a bit but it seemed to me that his friend was also avoiding him. Previously he'd visited regularly, but since the Transgression, he hadn't.
So, I... meddled. A little. I not-so-subtly mentioned to the friend - "you planning to visit there anytime soon? Grotto's still a bit tender and just hanging out with you would probably help untangle things." He replied "Ok, will sort something out." And - this weekend - he went. The boys hung out, all's good. Phew.
I felt I had to admit to Grotto my part in it, because I hadn't told him that I'd said anything. I felt a bit conniving - although it was with good intentions. I really don't like sticking my nose in other people's business. But I needed something to shift here because I felt a bit alone on it.
His friend isn't being particularly helpful. I've figured he's an implicit
sort of guy. Just goes with the flow of things, and doesn't always feel the need to clarify what's going on. I'm not naturally inclined towards that... it's been challenging.
What I want: to explore this relationship with Grotto's friend like any other relationship... which means any restrictions need to be an understood part of the adventure for me.
I've got this precious nugget of lust left over from the experience, too. Fucking him was righteous. His cock knew where it was going inside me, and he came a sticky mess all over my chest.
Whatever happens, I'm glad that were were once that close. No regrets.