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Old 08-03-2013, 04:34 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
I'm confused: are you feeling like something is missing in the relationship, or that the label is not accurately describing some aspect of the relationship? Seems more like the latter but I'm not certain.
Nothing is missing from the relationship, I just have the "feeling" that something is missing. If something were actually missing that would be an issue I would need to take action on, my feeling of something missing just means I need to do some introspection and do a blog post

Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Acting like an adult, taking responsibility for your own issues (the stuff you generally espouse) takes work, and being willing to put effort (work) into things we value (like a relationship) seems reasonable to me. I don't understand the distinction.
The distinction for me is this first part of what you said from the second part.

The work I do to have a healthy and adult worldview is my personal business. This conversation and most of the conversations I have on these boards, for example, is me working on my worldview and making sure I am pointing in the right direction. None of this (including these recent posts) actually has anything to do with IV or my "relationship" with her.

When it comes to putting effort into a relationship, that is what I call bullshit on. The relationship is not a thing, it doesn't need to be worked on. If the people involved in a relationship have issues they need to figure that out but the concept that there is some third entity which needs to be helped out is imaginary. It also assumes that there is a priority that we stay together regardless of the fact that we are having fundamental issues relating constructively with each other... which I also don't see as positive.

I think of my romantic relationships the same way I think of my friendships. It would be an absurd thing to say to one of my dear friends "look, we need to sit down and do some work on our relationship. We need to come up with a plan of action so that we can properly address the issues with our relationship". That conversation is nonsensical, there is no entity between my friends and I which has some opinion or needs some extra set of rules or actions applied to it.

Does that illustrate it a bit better? I can't tell if I'm making the idea more clear or muddy.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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