Originally Posted by Cleo
I think the key for me is that I need to fel that I CHOOSE my behavior in this. Wether it is going to the hospital and sit with my parents, or tell them 'no I can't make it today but I'll be there the day after tomorrow'
Being able to do that is important to me too. I usually will speak up and say what I can manage to do so that it's clear and nobody has unreasonable expectations of what I'm going to be able to manage.
And it helps with not feeling guilty.
I have an amazing group of people around me who love and support me and who are there for me.
This is fantastic. Best possible situation to be in as far as I'm concerned.
Nobody can and will be there for you for everything.
When my old love died, the situation for me was traumatic and his death has affected me more than losing dad did. Old Love was old but healthy and I didn't expect him to die then. Dad was old, had dementia, had been miserable for years and death was a release for him - it was sad and I miss him but dying was better than living for him.
Old Love died suddenly one night and his death was a result of the vet we saw basically not listening to me and assuming that because Old Love wasn't making a massive fuss that he wasn't as ill as I thought he was. The vet chose to treat the case as a non emergency and Old Love paid for that with his life.
Anyway that night I left my Old Love with the vet after a bit of an argument and I went to meet my SO and a friend who were out together nearby. I was worried and I wanted to talk to them about why I was worried and about the nightmare I'd had trying to get the vet to listen to me. They tried to reassure me by telling me that they were sure the vet knew what he was doing and then tried to change the subject to take my mind off it.
I left. I told them that my worries were valid and that I wanted to talk about it and that I was going home to do that with friends who understand. That's what I did. Other friends help me sit the vigil of worry, waiting to hear if Old Love would pull through.
Then in the middle of the night the vet rang to tell me that Old Love was suffering from the condition I had suspected all along and that things had progressed too far for him to recover.
My SO was wonderful. He came to my house straight away and rang his boss the next day to take the day off and spend it with me. He didn't leave me alone for days. Our friend too made time to see me and to apologise for her attempts to lighten the mood with me, told me she had had no idea that things could go so badly so quickly with dogs.
My friend and SO were both wonderful at helping me through the aftermath but in the moment, when I was going through the immediate trauma and distress and worry, neither of them had the knowledge or experience to be able to empathise with me and neither of them could offer the support I needed.
So I think that there is a very real need for a wide range of friends and loves in our lives so that none of us end up resenting our loved ones for not being able to provide things that they just can't provide. That you have lots of love and support is a wonderful thing and puts you in a very good position.
Maybe Ren is right and I will feel better if I bring more of myself into the relationship - without any expectations, mind you.
I think that is a great idea and well worth a try. Relationships so often become habitual. Where connections are missing, I think that those habits can sometimes work to support the lack of connection.
Maybe if you are in the habit of not talking much about yourself, it is having an impact on both you and your parents ability to connect with each other. Maybe if you shift that habit a little, it might make a bit of a difference.