Skittleskittens, I agree with bookbug (even though the reply was directed elsewhere - oops!). Figure out what you want/need in your relationship with your BF and ask for it. Don't just accept that you "can't have it" because she says so.
I'm mono. This is my first poly relationship. We've been together around 2 years now. I was codependent as hell after getting out of my marriage, but even then, I wanted a *relationship*. Not scraps. Not asking my metamour permission to go out with P. Not getting squeezed in once a month. And I talked with my partner and metamour and asked where I fit in. If I had some arbitrary limit as to how close I could be or how far my relationship with P could go, it would have never have become a relationship.
Granted, I still had some transitional nightmares, but I needed to know that P and I had OUR OWN relationship, on its own merits. Not one where I'm beholden to the good graces of my metamour.
Your needs aren't being met, and you're believing you're in the wrong, when you're not. It's not wrong to have needs and wants in a relationship. Talk to your BF and give him an opportunity to step up. Hopefully, your metamour will be helpful as well.
In the meantime, maybe you can work on what CAN be done when you all go out together. I wouldn't give up time with my friends, either. Talk about it and see if you can come to an agreement. Good luck!
Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).
Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk