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Old 08-02-2013, 01:21 AM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

Thank you all so much!! This has been very helpful for me, and I am already feeling much better about things. Perspectives that I have not been able to get to myself, that we have trouble communicating about, it is all good.

In terms of love languages, I am an Acts of Service person. Which is difficult for hubby. He says he sometimes feels like he is just around because I need him to "do stuff for me". Which I do. But for me, changing the oil in my car without my asking him to, or offering to go to the store so I dont have to, those are all things that make my heart soar! That he thinks about those things, wants to ease my burden, free up my time so that we can do stuff.

Part of what comes up for me is that my BF does many of these types of things for me. He is a very sexual person, and loves touch as much as anyone else does. But he recognizes that I do things differently and he adapts. So when TB has trouble doing that for me, it is hard for me to accept. But I am struggling with his love style too. We are both learning to learn....

Could it be he thinks he stepping up his game and showing you " extra love " showing you now attracted he is in you with the new PDA and sexual advances. He might be hoping that energy or attraction would be returned or at the very least acknowledged.
~ dingedheart

Yes, I do think this is exactly what he is doing. He is showing me he loves me in the best way he currently knows how. I dont fault him for that, I can see that he is trying, hard. It is just not my language.

- Physical Touch (or any love language) can be a tricky beast...

I was surprised as hell that Touch was one of my love languages. My ex rarely touched me, except as a prelude to sex. We rarely held hands (uncomfortable for him), no "hand on the shoulder" thing when we were out, no cuddling in bed (I remember telling my partner "I'm not a cuddler"... HA! WRONGO!), no casual, loving touch unless he wanted some, and it got to the point where I equated his touch with the pressure to perform. The book actually touches (hehehe) on this. If it feels like your partner is only touching you to "get some", then it can feel more manipulative than loving, and actually turn you OFF. With my ex, when the sex was over, the touching stopped until he wanted it again. With my partner now, he is constantly touching - holding hands, hugging, holding a knee, rubbing his thumb along mine, etc. And even the more "private" touching doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex. No pressure, just enjoyment. I was surprised at how damned *wonderful* touch could be when there's no pressure to perform (and rejection when I didn't).

Yes!! This!! Thank you SO much! This is exactly what I am talking about. IN the past, and not just with TB but with other lovers too, this is my experience. So to see it written out is wonderful and affirming. Thank you!

GG, Marcus, LovingRadiance, thank you for your words as well. All so, so helpful...

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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