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Old 08-01-2013, 06:57 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 87

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Whats the incentive to being in your life ? Feeling left out are rejecting him sexually. You've made a choice not to have sex with him and made a choice to have sex with the bf. Your needs are being met.

Do you want a roomate husband. A sexless marriage? Who wants to save the marriage you or him ?...and why ?
Actually, I am not having sex with anyone, husband or boyfriend. The only one meeting my needs these days is me.

BF and I have not had intercourse. We have had a few dates where things got closer, but his wife is not ok with that and I am not going to subject my husband to that while he is having so much trouble dealing with just what he already has on his plate. BF and I do a little bit of sexting with each other, but that is it.

Have you read the "5 Love Languages" book? I've found it extremely helpful when communicating with my partner about the reasons behind some of my needs. I'm a "Quality Time / Physical Touch" person, and some of what you've written about your husband seems to indicate that maybe he leans heavily in those directions as well (even if they aren't his primary languages).

My point is, if he defines love through those languages, look at what you're "telling" him - he has less time with you, and no physical intimacy. If those activities are what help him feel loved, then yes, he's going to feel like love is being withheld if those activities are "taken away".

YouAreHere, yes I have gone to the website but have not read the whole book. He is very much a Gift person with strong leanings for Physical Touch as well. I am aware that not giving him this right now is hard for him. I am also having a problem with the amount of touch he wants. We had entered a pattern where I was his pacifier, and sex with me making things okay, for a day or two. But I have some real issues with this. It's not like its a fetish where one or both of us gets off on it. If it was, that would be better, and more manageable.

Truth is it was over the top for me. He was always trying to french kiss me in front of our kids, in the grocery store, always ogling me when I was getting dressed, that sort of thing. Which are not really big deals, but I am not big on PDA, and those are things he should know about me. His boundaries were becoming inappropriate, and so I felt as though it was important, for our relationship to survive, for me to set the boundaries more clearly, and ask him to just STOP. Even after telling him that sex was off the table for a little while, he continued to try and touch my breasts, put his hands on my ass, and basically just disregard entirely everything I was asking him to do. I told him clearly that I was not doing this as punishment, that I needed to get some perspective on what was going on for me, but I really feel as though he did not take me seriously. That if he just played enough, I would get a little turned on and just give in. I finally had to make it abundantly clear that he was NOT allowed to give me any kind of sexual touch whatsoever unless I had specifically invited him. Which to many people may seem over the top. But he WAS NOT respecting my limits. And even people for whom Touch is their primary love language have to respect the limits of their partners.

Also, he was a puddle long before I took sex off the table., He has been a puddle since day 1. I have held back from being poly for our entire relationship because I knew he couldnt handle it. That was really my big mistake... But now we have kids and responsibilities to them, and we would really like to keep our family intact if we can. He says he wants to embrace it, and there are times when he feels true compersion for us, he gives my BF gifts from time to time (he often will give people things he had found at Salvation Army or the like to let them know he is thinking of them), they talk on Facebook a few times a week. He LIKES him, as a person. He just struggles so much with his personal stuff.

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate all of the perspectives. For me, the reality is learning how different we really are, and realizing that if we cannot work things out we are affecting a lot of people including children.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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