View Single Post
Old 08-01-2013, 09:45 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485

Quoting Marcus, from another thread

Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
The defining characteristic for which "type" of relationship style you are most suited for seems to boil down to one trait (with two applications). So I would focus less on which relationship type you fall into and more on your personal approach to relating with your partner.
1. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have authority over and responsibility for your own time/feelings/body? Do you believe that your partner has any "duties" related to tending to your emotional state? Do you expect that they should maintain partial ownership of you?

2. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have any authority or responsibility over your partners time/feelings/body? Do you have any say in what they do with their time/emotions/body? Do you expect to maintain partial ownership of them?
In the end, this is the building block of how you are going to relate to your partners. This is the one trait that keeps popping up on these boards and in the relationships around me, and in my own previous relationships.

If, like me, you claim total ownership of your own time/feelings/body and claim no ownership of your partners time/feelings/body then you are polyamorous by default. More precisely you would fall into a relationship anarchist or independent poly type.

At the far other end where a person claims a great deal of authority over their partners time/feelings/body and expect this interdependence from their partner as well... that would be what I would call a kind of tyrannical monogamy or hell on Earth. The other styles fall somewhere in between, but the classification of your relationship style is far less important than understanding fundamentally how you relate to your romantic partner.

Been thinking a lot about this lately and how it relates to family relationships. I'm having some issues with my parents lately. We've never been close, they've never supported me, we have no emotional connection, basically they've let me figure things out for myself and the only 2 things they ever really taught me was to a) be afraid of everything (just like them) and b) if things get rough, pretend everything is ok.

I managed a pretty distant relationship with them , where on the surface we pretended we were ok, but not having much contact (sometimes I would not call my mom for more than 2 weeks).

Now, my dad is in hospital and quite sick, and they expect me to 'be there for them' (they literally said: we never expected much from you but we always thought that in crisis, you would step up)

I don't even know what the 'stepping up' means. Sit at that bed and talking small talk, just like we always did? They don't talk about emotions. They never have and they are not learning this skill now. I don't want to 'be there'. They've never 'been there' for me.

Of course part of me feels guilty, a feeling that's triggered by lots of people not understanding why I am so 'cold' about my dad's illness.
I guess I feel that this is a relationship like any other, where both parties should put in the same effort to build something good. I guess it's the cultural norm that family relationships are different - you are supposed to love your family no matter what, blood is thicker bla bla bla. And it is that norm that is feeding my guilt.

Anyway, I know it's not very poly related, although in a way it is. Poly relationships have taught me so much about being independant and autonomous, and I guess this is spilling over into my family relationships, where I find it harder and harder to just go through the motions and pretend.

Was just wondering if other people have experienced something similar?
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years

Last edited by Cleo; 08-01-2013 at 09:51 AM.
Reply With Quote