Yesterday MD's power was cut off because the company never switched it to her name and the previous renter had not paid their bill
They are telling her it might not be on tomorrow. That would be 3 days without power which sucks.
Bug's dad is also acting like a piece of shit...what's new? He's got a new girl around-9 years younger just barely drinking age. And he's using his one night a week with Bug as date night-playing house with this new girl who's doing the work for him-brushing Bug's teeth and putting on her pj's. I admire MD so much, because despite her animosity for asshole, who I should start calling Fuckface, she never speaks ill of him to Bug. Bug adores her dad despite the fact that he sometimes goes weeks without seeing or talking to her. And resists paying $150-mo in child support. Fuckface has never even been to or taken Bug to any of her doctors appointments. She has 8/yr with 8 diff doctors because of a pretty serious genetic condition. Yeah-he's a real winner. Last night I took MD out to blow off some steam and when we got back to her candle-lit place-she just broke down in tears about it all. She says she just wishes Bug had a better father. That she hates him and part of her wishes Bug hated him too-but she resents her mother for doing that to her and she refuses to do that to Bug. She's amazing, strong and resilient. But she's tired of being strong. I just held her and listened and told her she was doing an amazing job-and I hope it helped.
It made me really sad that I can't be there with her all the time. I don't want to leave FJ.....but damn I wish I could give her more time. I can expand my love but not my time which just blows. We connect in such a different way than FJ and I. In many ways it feels more natural and deeper. FJ and I are polar opposites in personality. We've learned how to figure each other out....but we still don't always connect without a lot of work. It's not like that with MD. When the walls are down-we just get each other. We make love for hours and laugh and cry and sing in between. FJ is just happy working, coming home, getting sexy time and going to bed. He's happy and content with much less than I need. Sigh. I don't know how to feel about it all, and there's nothing to do, but I hate thinking of her going home after work tonight to an empty, dark house since Bug is staying with her grandmother. Kills me actually.
We had an amazing night together last night. Real openness and vulnerability that is so rare for both of us with anyone else. She senses my lack of connection with FJ right now. She's been asking me how we are and encouraging us to reconnect. Which shows me how much she cares about my life and family-but I resist talking to her fully about FJ. I hate feeling divided and honestly, my heart wants to be with her and be a bigger partner to her. But I love FJ, truly, and would never dismantle our life. It's the reality of the situation, and sometimes it hits me hard and I long for something simpler.