Well, yesterday was a rough morning for Grotto and I, but we pulled through.
How to summarise a storm?
It started the evening before that. I'd talked with Grotto in the afternoon, and he'd said he was feeling anxious, and thought he might lay off drinking for awhile. I asked if he thought the drink was contributing to his mood, couldn't it be other substances he'd recently quit? But he said, nah, it couldn't be those other things - he thinks it's the alcohol.
That evening I ring him to check how he's feeling, and he seemed happier, and said he'd planned to catch up with Bijou that night, and another girl the next night. The night after (tonight) we had a Skype date scheduled. Now, meeting up with Bijou (and the other girl too) generally involves drinking of some description, so I said "hah, have fun, good luck not drinking" and he also laughed.
After that conversation, though, my mood went really dark re: Grotto. I suspect it's PMS related (small things triggering BIG emotions) but... the core fears were not fanciful.
I did feel some part of my mood was coming from my not-so-grand feelings about Bijou (which I am separately processing).
But I also had a panic around Grotto specifically. One of his mottos is "better living through chemistry", and he's bold with his drug use/experimentation. I don't have any issues with that in itself, apart from when he runs himself ragged... and in particular when it affects me. I hate feeling like I'm his come-down girl, when his emotions crashland on me.
A couple of times (and once recently) I've said some clear things to him about this, about how I feel. The recent time I was very explicit: I'm trusting you to take care of yourself (he mostly does this quite well) but also to take care of how your drug use affects our relationship. He thanked me for speaking up, and nothing's been especially problematic since then.
However, the combo of "I need to quit alcohol for a bit" and "oh I have just scheduled a couple of dates with people who I always drink with when we hang out together" dredged up this issue for me in a major way. What am I meant to think or feel about this, from a distance? Especially with the next scheduled time being Thursday, like I am the unfunny punchline to a three-part joke... Two nights drinking and on the third night, he's feeling hung over and shit and talking to me. Wasn't looking forward to that.
I tried to chill out about it. I had things planned with other friends, and when I was spending time with them, it distracted me from this. But travelling home afterwards, gross. Another mostly unrelated issue (money) was also rearing its head and getting tangled up in this. I hit a low point on the train when I was seeking counsel from a magic 8-ball.
Oh, let's remember I have just done a full day's work after an 11-hour overnight train commute with exceedingly broken sleep.
I, too, need to be careful of my head weather.
Anyway, I crashed out that night. Didn't want to call Grotto in case he was hooking up with Bijou or something. But in the morning, I woke up feeling just as grim. I tried writing him, but it came out awful. So, despite both of us needing to get ready for work, I rang him. Attempted to talk, but he had no idea what was upsetting me - just that I was upset. He kept repeating "I love you so much" but it wasn't connecting. Obviously I needed to express the things I was feeling. He asked me to please write to him.
So, I did. I wrote it all out. The drug stuff, the money stuff. These are really hard topics because they are the intersection of how what someone else does, in their own life, affects me. I really value autonomy, and I'd rather adjust myelf to a position of being cool with however someone else is choosing to live their lives. Give them space to take their own path, and then decide whether I want to join them too. One of the best terms I've thought of for the people close to me is "travel companions".
But when I'm struggling to cope with how someone else is behaving, I need to speak up. Preferably before the emotion explodes... Grotto frequently (and understandably) has no idea something is an issue unless I bring it up. So I gotta be more explicit. On his part, I need him to pay attention more to what I'm saying, and - if he thinks it's fair - do concrete things to improve the situation.
Grotto replied to my e-mail, and we chatted for a bit. That communication 100% defused things. Wow. I still get surprised by the way you can make it through seemingly impenetrable forests, just by holding hands.
Skype date tonight. I feel we can just enjoy each other's company. Condition was critical, but now stable. Obviously we will talk a bit more about heavier stuff but mostly I simply want to spend time with him.
Last edited by fuchka; 07-31-2013 at 10:18 PM.