I think that part of the problem is the reasonably common misconception that Poly means "sexual non-monogamy".. the misunderstanding that a lot of people have where they don't understand that it's caring, EMOTIONALLY intimate relationships that we want, not just sex. Add to that the masses of people who use Poly as a blanket excuse for non-ethical non-monogamy (Ie: "I'm Poly but my partner isn't and I don't want to hurt their feelings"), and you have misunderstanding combined with misinformation.
In the BDSM community, the problem is exacerbated by dominant personalities who "force" their "Polyamory" on their partners, using the blanket "I'm the boss, what I say goes, and I'll have as many partners as I want, but you will have only ME" attitude to excuse lack of commitment and infidelity. Unfortunately, I see that portion of the problem as being one of the biggest issues, as outsiders end up assuming that "Poly" has nothing to do with love.. it's just an excuse for bad behavior (in their eyes).
My wife has seen some of the same problems when looking for female loving companionship. Some "twue" lesbians have a dislike for bi girls as it is, you're right.... and a Polyamorous Bi (or Pansexual, which just makes them shake their heads) girl just makes them lose their minds. Add to that the confusion created when she tells people "well, yes, I might be interested. In the spirit of honesty, I would have to discuss this with my husband, though"
They wonder why she needs my "permission" to date them.. they don't understand that the "amory" part of Poly means that she doesn't want to bring someone into her life who is innately incompatible with her spouse.. she would like to at least see us get along as friends, and she cares about my feelings enough to include me in the major decisions she makes. This means that we end up mostly interacting with other bi girls, who have at least some interest in me.. that way, she knows we're going to at least try to get along, and she'll have the freedom to share time with both of us, at the same time, and truly feel the triad love.
It's definitely a long and interesting road to finding the right match.. we were lucky enough to have had Kitten in our lives, and I hope, sincerely, that you have at least as much luck.. we both (or all) know that the rewards of being patient are staggering!
Last edited by Thunderlizard; 03-08-2010 at 12:49 PM.