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Old 07-31-2013, 01:28 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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First, a bit of disclosure. My first marriage (yes, I've been married twice... I know) ended because my spouse had an affair. I spent a lot of years carrying around a lot of hate in my heart for her. Even now when I look back on it I can't help but feel a twinge of resentment. We had agreed upon a couple of things and she chose to turn her back on that agreement.

The relevant piece of information for this thread is what we had actually agreed upon. We agreed that neither of us would have any sexual interaction with anyone but one another AND we agree on the fact that sexual interaction is viewed as a holy event. Now, we never actually discussed the second part but it was pretty obviously part of the agreement; it is why so many people respond with wild arm waving, gnashing and waling, and violence when someone cheats and why this kind of irrational behavior is so widely accepted by common society.

Both of these agreements are totally daft in my current worldview. When I look back on my first marriage with my resentful eyes I recognize that she flagrantly broke my trust BUT I try to mitigate my emotional involvement with that fact by recognizing the "trust" was built on a faulty thought process.

My solution going forward has been to entirely let go of the idea that another persons sexuality is my business. It is decidedly NOT my business. I made my ex wifes sexuality my business and she did what people do when that is the case... she cheated. Was my broken worldview wrong or was her rebellion from it wrong? Both? Neither, maybe. I would say that my worldview was childish, her agreeing to it was childish, and her inability to tell me that she didn't want to function that way anymore was childish. We were a couple of dumb asses who were living by utterly flawed thought processes.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
I have a HUGE problem with being lied to (and to me, cheating is a form of lying), so my relationship probably wouldnít survive my partner cheating on me. If I canít trust someone, Iím not going to share my life or my body with him.
PG, I don't disagree with anything you said in particular; I would just say that a person should look closely at the situations they are building in which a partner could be viewed as lying to us. Is it because we have set up some kind of restriction or is it because this person is just a compulsive liar and lives a life of deceit?

What is it exactly IV could do which I would view as a lie? I'm not sure. She is not accountable to me for any of her actions so it would have to be some very specific situation (or she would have become a compulsive liar and just started lying to me for no reason). Essentially she would need to decide that she doesn't like me any more and would start being deceptive for fun - and to end the relationship. This wouldn't happen because that's not who she is, but it is also a function of the "rules" of our relationship.

In my opinion, if lying is something that is a monolithic figure in my worldview then I should either control my partner completely or not at all. That is to say, if there are a number of ways built in to our relationship where a person can brake my trust then am I just setting them up for failure?

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
Even if I was able to move past the cheating, I donít know if I could (or would even want to) move past the fact that heíd violated another by videotaping them without their permission.
That was a pretty dick move. It is even more of a dick move because everyone knows how freakishly sensitive people are about their sexuality. There is a word which I can't remember for something which cannot be compared to anything else. It is generally used to describe a god assertion, but I would say that it also seems to apply to sexuality. Any claim we can make about just about anything gets the volume turned up to eleven if it involves sexuality in some way.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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