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Old 07-30-2013, 11:46 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 350
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As Marcus said; everyone already seems to have this covered. I'd just like to add one thing.

There is a preconception that if one is open to being poly, or is adamantly poly, they need to be concerned about 'inflicting' this on mono folk. This implies a sense of separation that you also find in both the LGBT and BDSM communities (I can't count how many times my fellow kinksters have expressed inadvertent, or plain advertent, snobbery towards 'vanillas' - or my fellow LGBT folk have glared down their noses at 'heteros').

When I met my current girlfriend, I didn't even know about the word 'polyamory'. I'd been involved in variants of it before, but I was largely completely monogamous. My GF was very clear that she absolutely would not be monogamous and that I should never expect that from our future. This didn't offend me, as a 'previous mono'. I found her approach (albeit a tad gung-ho at the time; which she would now agree with... hahaha) ... really quite awakening and beautiful.

Furthermore, the last two women I dated identified as mono before they met me. They weren't offended in the slightest - in fact; they were very curious and interested to learn more about polyamory. There *are* people out there who will bin you for being poly; just as there are plenty of poly people who will have to bin dates because they are set on monogamy. There are also people who will judge, think it's wrong, etc etc. Somehow, it's treated almost in the same way as revealing a long-term illness or other daunting fact to a potential lover. In reality, it's no different to any other relationship guideline you might have for yourself, such as "I eventually want kids" or "I travel a lot with work".

Simply put... the best thing to do would be to decide whether you are open to monogamy or not. I personally fluctuate - sometimes I think I'd be fine with it and sometimes I think that I absolutely wouldn't. If I met someone I really, truly connected with, I'd try whichever dynamic we could agree on out for a little while. If I had existing relationships that were dear to me, I doubt I would drop them by default, just to be involved with a monogamous person.

Essentially, you aren't getting what you need from your current guys, but you are attached to them. As others have said: it is absolutely possible to find what you are looking for with other people. It's even possible to up your numbers and get different needs met.

As for relationship guidelines and rules - I've personally never had a problem with this. If I meet someone, I'm happy to stick to their restrictions. If I'm not happy with it, I wouldn't date them in the first place. Granted, I have an existing 'primary' relationship - but I'm totally happy to be considered someone's 'secondary'; not to travel or live with them, etc, providing that they don't move the goal posts or allow their primary to make decisions for us that are different to the original guidelines I agreed to. The Veto is one thing I am absolutely, completely opposed to. I wouldn't choose not to date someone if they had a Veto rule - but I would be very, very cautious.

Overall, it's not about swapping polyamory for monogamy. It's about deciding which relationship models suit you, which ones you are willing to try and how.
__________________

Me: (30f) open poly
Serious long-distance relationship with GF (40f)
Casual FWB with Descartes (27f)



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 07-30-2013 at 11:48 AM.
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