Thanks to everyone for the response - much appreciated (especially the first poster who took so much time/effort)
I really want to answer/respond to all individually - and I will - but I have broken things off with my guy and so ... amd a bit messy right now.
Just to clarify the betrayal/trust:
We had discussed and agree to have other people in 'our' bedroom .. but, we have not yet discussed having separate relationships .. as we are quite new - about 9 months - this isn't a need/want that is being surpressed .. it is just something that isn't a need/want YET. But, we had no poly agreement in place - none.
My sense of betrayal is because he told me he was in contact with a woman who was looking for a couple - fine - that bothered me only in that she is based in his current city and it indicated to me that he was still looking at that city as 'home' .. to me, we should have been looking for somebody here. Yes, I was slightly (but only slightly) jealous about the contact but I trusted him to be open about this .. I guess my expectations were a bit fuzzy .. but as she was looking for a couple, and there was talk about me visiting in a few weeks, I assumed that they were talking logistics of he, me and her possibly meeting.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and far from it being something about three people, two people (him and her) are actually writing intimate, erotic letters and having phone sex .. this was not discussed, in fact I had no idea that they were still in touch, let alone that things had gotten to an intimate nature - and lastly - I am left completely confused as to why a woman who was looking for a couple was engaged with the male solo. I also feel that I have found myself in an almost poly scenario without talking about it or agreeing as to what that meant etc .. - it is only writing and phone sex but, this is intimacy and therefore, I think it comes under the same umbrella and I see it as a breach of my trust that he would never do anything to undermine or hurt me - because I do feel undermined and hurt by the way that this all went down.
I have spent 24 hours thinking about my reaction - whether or not I was being fair, if it was just a knee-jerk response etc .. and I'm afraid that I still felt/feel the same way - mu trust has taken a hit and given that this is a distance thing .. there is nothing without 100% trust.
I also do think that perhaps he and I are on different pages regarding things .. he has just come out of a 3-year relationship with a very, VERY mono woman who made him feel guilty for even having poly thoughts - so, I am also inclined to think that it may be a good idea for him to be single for a while (sans me I mean) and explore himself a bit.
I am not dealing well with the distance, I am not dealing now with this breach of trust - and I do see it that way - and I don't see how that can be rectified.
The irony of all of this is that this weekend, we spent 8-10 hours a day on video chat just lying in our respective beds talking about life. love and the universe .. we are best friends and I just want him to be happy - I really do .. but I also want me to be happy .. and I'm not.
Thanks again everyone
Last edited by Anyanka; 07-29-2013 at 04:18 AM.