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Old 07-28-2013, 11:46 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 461

Hi Anyanka,

~grins~ No.... no feeling is ridiculous. It is what you feel. And you are trying to work through it.

My guy (I have no idea what to call him so .. for the sake of brevity, this will have to do) and I are in a LDR. He is planning to move across the country to be with me but .. this is a couple, if not several months away. (I should start a thread on this as it's .. well, yes .. complicated).
How long have you been together? You don't class each other as partners? What is the commitment level like? Do you operate as a couple, or individuals, or is this part of the muddiness?

I was really, really hoping that he would say something along the lines of not wanting to meet without me - but he didn't .. and I reacted by withdrawing a bit - which he recognised .. it got messy, but not overtly so .. this is new territory for us both.
Good for you for recognizing your moment of truth. It actually sounds to me like there was an (unwritten?) expectation that 'extra person' would be in bed with the two of you. You are realizing that expectation now, with your reaction to him meeting her. This is bound to make you feel betrayed; like he agreed to something, but is not sticking to that agreement. In reality, I'm guessing there was no actual agreement, just ideas shared.

the main issue was a concern that he seemed to be looking to establish himself even further where he is - thereby delaying his move here.
So, what was it that made you think this? Have you been having that general feeling and you need to explore that further? Did he imply that he wants to stay where he is? Or are you assuming that if he starts casually dating or getting to know someone where he currently lives, he'd want to root there?

He told me that he had sent her some erotica that he wrote for her (this i shis thing, he likes to write erotica and get to know people in that way) .. and that she had called him last week for phone sex - but that she had since disappeared. His reason for telling me was to express exasperation at the 'disappearance'.
Ok, so what you have here are two cloudy areas.

Do you want to know about these things? Is this over-share? When do you want to know about them? (before they happen. i.e. permission style; after they happen i.e. information style? randomly dropped into conversation? dealt with more carefully / at a better time for you?)

The other is the whole idea of him dating someone alone in the first place.

I am currently a crazy mix of emotions - non-the-least of which is betrayal.

I REALISE that this was just some writing and some phone sex - but, we are in a LDR so really, when we aren't together in the flesh, that is all he and I have as well.
You feel betrayal, because you feel that he is doing with her what you two do together. You are even potentially feeling that him doing that with her took away a moment where he could have sent you the erotica and had phone sex.

I understand this. My GF and I are LDR (different countries!) and I struggled with her last partner, who lived in a different state to her for 6 months. She'd be sexual with him via emails and online, but completely non-sexual with me during this period. Though, it sounds like you and your 'guy' are still in a good sexual place. So perhaps the issue here is time/attention sharing. Perhaps it's expectation. Perhaps it's something else.

I don't know if I have any right to be feeling the way I do .. I can barely isolate what exactly is wrong - and on top of that, I feel 'wrong' for feeling anything - like I am being ridiculous.
There is no right or wrong. You feel what you feel. If you got on the phone to him and called him a selfish bastard and a liar and a cheater, that would be a touch unproductive. ~grins~ But *feeling* something isn't wrong. Now you need to process it, analyse it, then communicate it to him, to work out a solution.

Possible things that could be wrong (all of which are valid *feelings* to face up to):
- you are struggling with sharing his attention. there may very well be times that he was emailing her, or thinking of her, instead of you.
- you are struggling with *hearing* the information
- you are struggling with the *way* it was shared
- you are struggling with a lack of boundaries and guidelines
- you feel like an audience, rather than a participant in his decisions with her
- you don't trust that he does really want to move to your area
- you don't trust that he wants threesomes; but instead, wants genuine poly

I really, REALLY need some perspective on the politics here - I have a handle on the 'it was just some emails etc' .. it's not about that .. I was just stunned that he was and possibly would still be in sexual contact with her on his own.
You have to remember that you gave him your blessing, so he thinks that you are ok with that. We can all be guilty of agreeing to something for our lover, whilst seething inside. Then, we end up blaming them for betraying us. It's a fucked up system that we can all fall into.

What would be better is to have a new agreement. Either, you don't date separately and this is the agreement for the next 6 months. Or, you can date separately, but you require XYZ things around that (guidelines). Or, you can date separately, but you have to agree to be honest straight away when you're uncomfortable - and he has to agree to hear you out in that moment. Basically, making an agreement and pretending you're happy with that agreement isn't fair - to you, or him.

I don't know how to deal with this or whether to just let it go. Like last time, I just got very quiet and left soon after .. I didn't and don't know how to approach or deal so, I bury.
I don't believe in burying feelings. I genuinely believe they come around to bite us in the ass. I do believe in experiencing the feeling, analyzing it, coming up with the deeper reasons for feeling that way, then communicating it *so* that solutions can be found.

Honestly, at this point, I would tell him that you would like to talk about some things and ask him when a good time for him would be. Try to create the most productive environment to talk in.

Avoid blame talk and focus on what you are feeling, what you could have done differently and what you are wondering. Have your worries on your mind and voice them.

For example, "I'd really like to understand and you haven't done anything wrong. I'm worried that perhaps you don't plan to move here and i'd like you to be honest with me about where you feel you are at with that. I'm also worried that I'm not emotionally ready for true polyamory; but that I've put you in an unfair position by saying that it was ok. I've realized that I'm struggling with you and this other woman and I'm trying to work out what I can do about those struggles. Would you be willing to talk about how you feel and perhaps come up with solutions together?"

Finally, you know, reading about polyamory is a wonderful thing. I would definitely suggest you keep doing that. But so often, we forget to read about ourselves. Conflict resolution, anger management, assertiveness... all kinds of skills that are necessary in relationships of any kind.

I found a website yesterday that I thought was amazing. The woman who runs it is a psychologist, largely talking about letting go of negative feelings. The website was designed for parents to model good behavior to their children. But their are certain sections specifically for adults, that I think are amazing useful when dealing with issues. It talks about things that "keep you angry" - but really, anger is being used as an umbrella term for feelings of upset, betrayal, resentment, etc. It is here, if you want to read it:

me: open poly (31, female)

involved with:
GF: (41, female) my long-distance, long-term partner
Earth: (35, female) newly dating

Hubby: (38, male) GF's husband
Garcon: (28, male) GF's boyfriend/submissive

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 07-28-2013 at 11:51 AM.
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