First 'challenge' and I am not dealing
My guy (I have no idea what to call him so .. for the sake of brevity, this will have to do) and I are in a LDR. He is planning to move across the country to be with me but .. this is a couple, if not several months away. (I should start a thread on this as it's .. well, yes .. complicated).
He has always been open to his poly inclination and while I have always been mono - I am actually okay with the idea/s premise/s of poly and - I want him to be happy and free .. I really do.
When we met, he was in a very controlling relationship with a mono woman which he ended .. so, for three years, he has tried to live as somethin he is not and this, above all else makes me desire for him his freedom.
We have begun talking about having 'others' in the bedroom - I appreciate that this is not poly and I am not collapsing it into a definition of poly .. I am unsure if he wants to expand our relationship to include other relationships of his own .. we haven't gotten that far in our discussions and as we have only been together 9 months, the lust apsect between him and I is still very strong so, talks/fantasies have involved me _ him with an abstract 'other'.
Last week, he told me that he had been in contact with a woman who was keen to see a couple .. we were talking via skype and I messaged him that as I was not over there, perhaps he should see her on his own.
***moment of truthfullness***
I was really, really hoping that he would say something along the lines of not wanting to meet without me - but he didn't .. and I reacted by withdrawing a bit - which he recognised .. it got messy, but not overtly so .. this is new territory for us both. I knew that my reaction was my own and I needed to deal with it .. and I did, well, I thought I did. MY problem wasn't jealousy per se .. I found myself compounded with feelings of being threatened - absolutely .. but the main issue was a concern that he seemed to be looking to establish himself even further where he is - thereby delaying his move here.
We have been in a lot of contact over this weekend - hours and hours in skype talking about life, love and the universe, his search for new digs (he is staying with his parents after splitting with the ex) etc .. it has been a lovely weekend.
However, this woman that he has been in contact with came up again.
He told me that he had sent her some erotica that he wrote for her (this i shis thing, he likes to write erotica and get to know people in that way) .. and that she had called him last week for phone sex - but that she had since disappeared. His reason for telling me was to express exasperation at the 'disappearance'.
I am currently a crazy mix of emotions - non-the-least of which is betrayal.
I REALISE that this was just some writing and some phone sex - but, we are in a LDR so really, when we aren't together in the flesh, that is all he and I have as well.
I don't know if I have any right to be feeling the way I do .. I can barely isolate what exactly is wrong - and on top of that, I feel 'wrong' for feeling anything - like I am being ridiculous.
I just keep thinking that the days when I didn't hear from him and assumed that he was busy/tired, he was probably in contact with this woman - which makes me feel stupid ..
I really, REALLY need some perspective on the politics here - I have a handle on the 'it was just some emails etc' .. it's not about that .. I was just stunned that he was and possibly would still be in sexual contact with her on his own.
I don't know how to deal with this or whether to just let it go. Like last time, I just got very quiet and left soon after .. I didn't and don't know how to approach or deal so, I bury.
I hope this doesn't come across as ridiculous.