After I broke up with L, I decided to have a slutty phase. I tried to follow the advice that the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. Well, it was a lot of fun, but it just didn't give me what I need.
I'm more poly than I thought I was. I really crave intimate connections. So, while I still think casual sex is fun, I started actively looking for someone new in the kink community, since my husband isn't interested in going to play parties and such. We have a bit of a D/s dynamic and enjoy some kink, but it doesn't fulfill all my kinky desires.
So, I met a submissive man on FetLife who was planning to attend an event I was going to (I'll call him E), and started chatting with him. We hit it off, so we met for dinner and really enjoyed each other's company. We live about an hour apart, which is not ideal but certainly workable. We are currently seeing each other about every week or two, for several days. Neither of us drive so this has been practical.
He's poly and his primary lives in another country. So they don't see each other very often, which I can certainly sympathize with. I'm certainly not interested in a LD relationship again.
So, things have been going swimmingly. We've been seeing each other for a little over a month now. Sexual chemistry is great, kink compatibility is great, and we're enjoying each other's company as people. We're taking things slowly and haven't labelled our relationship as yet, which is fine. I'm not looking to jump into a formal D/s relationship although we certainly have enjoyed aspects of one.
I'm having some baggage rear its head, so I wanted to stop to think about it and that's what incited me returning here to this forum.
I have been comfortable thinking about him spending time with his primary, and their date nights and such. I haven't had any jealousy reactions or anything like that. Then a situation has come up which is bothering me. An ex girlfriend of his has moved back to town unexpectedly and they are starting to see each other again. I'm finding myself feeling sad and jealous and frustrated, so I sat down to think about why. Normally I don't feel jealous unless some needs of mine aren't being met so I wanted to consider what I am missing.
There's still quite a lot of insecurity here. I mean, they had a thing before, so he obviously has feelings for her. She's also apprenticed to a pro Dominatrix, so I'm sure she's more experienced and skilled than I am. We haven't been together very long, so there's nothing I can be sure that I offer that he isn't getting elsewhere.
It just feels different. It's not like he was already seeing her or I wouldn't feel so insecure. They just started up while we're starting up, and so it makes me uncomfortable because maybe now that he has her, he won't want me? I've met her and she seems very nice and we have chatted a bit, so I know things are all above board and I like that.
It's also really hitting my emotional baggage from L, and I realize that. It's like I can mentally separate when someone has a primary because that feels absolutely right to me since I've got one, too. But I felt like I was always of least importance with L... and so part of me is worried that is going to happen here, too. Logically, there is no reason for me to feel that way because E is not treating me like that. We text a lot, and he answers my texts even when he's with her- although when I am aware of it I leave him alone because I know I wouldn't like my time with him intruded upon. He still makes a point of doing the little things for me. L never did those kind of things.
I am also going to have to talk to him about how things will be handled at BDSM parties where both her and I will be there. I am not sure how to handle dominating someone who might have another Domme there, too. That feels funny to me.
I would prefer to at least try to own my own shit before I talk to him about it. The thing about the parties, yes I do need to talk to him about it. But my insecurity? That's not very Dominant and I should be able to deal with it. Not to mention that it's a relatively new relationship so what kind of reassurance can he really give me? We're still getting to know each other, so maybe it'll work and maybe it won't. I just happen to really like this guy so I find myself getting invested already.
I would appreciate any thoughts or advice, though.
: 32 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 28yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 11 months and recently cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 39yrs, dating for a year. Married and has other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son