Bijou pt 2
For all my ideals of being good to people, to be gentle and understanding, I have a stubborness towards Bijou. A hard heart. You can't hug wearing armour.
Before the party, Grotto reassured me that Bijou doesn't behave the way she used to, that she's mellowed out a lot. She definitely had a more relaxed attitude.
But, I simply didn't feel like talking to her, as if I'd decided not to give her another chance.
What exactly has she done, to make me bristle so much?
- be serpentlike. Seductive in a way I'm not, and don't aspire to be, but that still makes me jealous. (It's a particular kind of jealousy that I find very intriguing, despite how much it hurts. May write more about that later.)
- not be honest with me early on. First time I met her, she'd been telling Grotto how she would fuck better than me. I called her up on that, and I said that it's not a competition to us and that's not how we roll. Later, she apologised and said she was just trying to test us. That explanation made no sense to me, and apparently wasn't the real story anyway (according to Grotto). I kind of can't be fucked talking with someone I can't trust to tell the truth to me.
And that's it, maybe?
Well, she wasn't comfortable with the poly aspect of our relationship... She didn't think she could handle it. Which is why she and Grotto scaled back to a flirty, sometimes-fucking friendship. So maybe it's partly also feeling like she would prefer me out of the picture? But not really, I don't think she cares that much. Like, I'm not sure if she'd actually want to date Grotto even if he was single. It's more a reason why she's unwilling even to try it.
There are a couple of other things that come to mind but I don't think they're at issue here.
I need to fix my attitude towards her. It's gross and unkind.
Fuck, I wish I trusted her.
I've been thinking of writing her a letter, laying it all out. How I feel towards her, my lack of trust, my desire for things not to feel tense. It's quite possible she feels like everything's fine between us (though I think my coolness towards her, at the party at her place, was obvious).
But I have this block, which is, I don't want to expose myself to her. Why? Hmm. It's something like: I don't trust her to respond with honesty, when I'm being honest with her, therefore I don't think she's worthy of me being honest to her in the first place. She's not going to be vulnerable with me, so why should I be vulnerable to her?
On the other hand, if I don't make some kind of effort, olive branch, something, we're not going to get past this. Well. I'm not going to get past it, I don't think. Jesus, I'm resentful eh.
Another option is to somehow find a middle ground. Ha, moderation!
I don't think I can avoid her. She's in a circle of friends I occasionally hang out with, plus Grotto really likes her, and probably will hook up with her from time to time, so I gotta deal with this. Bleh.