Stress and anxt for newb considering poly
So I had another thread that I started when my S.O. first brought up the fact that she feels she needs to be poly in order to be happy. It's been a long five days and I've gone through various stages of shock, dismay, depression, numbness, re-education, some periods of feeling like I'm becoming slightly liberated from old ideas, and then...boom. I'll crash again.
I've been reading bits of opening up, and been reading the ethical slut from the start, along with lots of material suggested from the good folks on here to try and make progress. I'm thinking maybe I'm pushing up against this too hard? I know my S.O. is extremely happy that I'm even considering this, but I feel she's in that initial excitement phase where she has dreams of this happening sooner than I'm probably ready. We've talked about it but I'm still feeling the pressure, like I'm gonna get blamed for dragging my feet or something (not yet, I mean it's been 5 days since the idea was brought up!), but I still feel like I'm trying to get through this stuff fast.
The thing is, I have a past fraught with some fear of abandonment issues, long periods of being totally single, social anxieties that have caused me issues, strong jealous tendencies, and have always had monogamous relationships and have also been cheated on a fair amount, so trust issues galore. At first after we had several of our extremely productive conversations I would begin to feel liberated from some of my trust issues as I understand that she wants this to be consensual. In other words, if she's interested in someone she wants to tell me, to discuss things, create our agreements and boundaries, have my approval etc. And after letting this sink in I'll have a period of total liberation from my trust issues. I'll feel freer to trust her in general, and I feel a sense of freedom in thinking about myself again more as an individual and not always in the context of 'in relationship to' my S.O., while still knowing that we are bonded and together. And for someone like me who has always struggled with trust in relationships this is a huge feeling of liberation! But shortly after some trigger will happen or some sideways line of thinking and boom, it's like my trust issues come back with a vengeance! I get the sense that these tectonic plates of belief systems are being disrupted inside me, and I'll start to make some progress but then an earthquake happens, trying to settle the plates back into the path of least resistance, my old ways of thinking. I recognize that they are paranoid and fear based, but they're also based on past experiences of violated trust where I 'should have' trusted my judgements but chose to ignore them. Insidious stuffs.
I dunno, I'm guessing I'm putting too much pressure on myself to get this too fast? But the old parts of me are totally saying "whoa buddy, what are you thinking? Look at all this madness that this is causing within you. Is this healthy? Are you really up to this? Why are you putting yourself through this hell? Maybe you're just naturally monogamous and all this is just stupid and you're letting your infatuation with your partner drive you to something you're not ready or naturally cut out for." Thing is, there is a part of me that would like to transcend jealousy. There's a part of me that would like to transcend possessiveness arising from insecurity and fear of loss. A part of me would LOVE to be liberated from these things and to try. But I'm still so in fear, and I feel like my guts are a damn ping pong ball in a never ending table tennis game which I can't really find a break from. My mind is just obsessing and fluctuating and it's making me sick (nauseous and burnt out). I also have a spiritual background and it's tugging on some of that crap too, like, 'you're not even who or what you think you are, you get this right? It's not just the girl, it's career struggles, dreams, aspirations, expectations, disappointments, attachments, all this stuff that the 'small self' thinks are important to it, you know that's all just temporary distraction from dealing with the real dilemma of life, this mortal coil and finding liberation from ALL this conditioning and false notions of self.
I dunno man. I just, I could really use some support right now. I do feel all alone in this. I can talk to her about it, but I don't really have any others in my life that I'm comfortable trusting this information with right now! I really really could use some advice and support. How long does this last for? How soon can one move through these stages? Am I putting too much pressure on myself? I just wish I could run out and go to a poly support group meeting or something right now! I feel like I need support in the form of some understanding real human contact, but for now the internets will have to suffice. Sigh.
Any help, words of encouragement etc. are much appreciated. Thanks!
Last edited by JacobJT; 07-28-2013 at 12:14 AM.