Originally Posted by westVan
I am very good at compartmentalizing my life and relationships. Basically I live with the “I manage my life/relationships, you manage yours” way of thinking. But I feel that my partners other partners are trying to tell my partners (one in particular) what and how our relationship should be, when we can see each other and what is permitted.
...I have repeatedly said “I can manage my own relationships, thank you very much” but they don’t seem to get it. How do I help them understand that? I am single, run a successful business and have relationships with 2 men. I don’t really have allot of time for a primary relationship and don’t want one at this point, but I will not allow anyone to dictate what my relationships will be or not be.
Now don’t get me wrong, I get that their relationship has its limits that must be incorporated into what my relationships are but they cannot define my relationships. Or am I just a selfish person for wanting them to understand this.
Originally Posted by westVan
Example: because their past relationship model looks one way they think every relationship should follow the same direction, as in -they see eachother x number nights a week so I should have X number of nights a week - to be "Equal and Fair". I don't want that and dont need that, I want to have my relationship evolve naturaly and not dictated. Because their relationship involved doing things they enjoy doing with their other partners - ie camping, boating (whatever) they want me to do these things with them . Helloo give me a 5 star hotel with room service and I'm in but hell no to camping.
If I want to spend time with them I will but dont dictate that I have to.
The situation is still not entirely clear to me...but I did have a few thoughts.
I, too, am good at compartmentalizing various parts of my life. When it comes to relationships, though, I can go either way. It sounds as though their particular flavor of poly may be of the "poly tribe/poly network" variety where everyone is friends and the group functions as an extended family/friend group? (the core of our Vee functions a bit like this). Whereas, in your flavor of poly you prefer for each relationship to be a distinct entity to itself - with only enough feedback to coordinate things and know that everyone knows/consents what type of relationship they are in (which is how my FWBs/dating relationships in the past have functioned).
I think that you are really going to need to lay it out on the table with your partner(s). A discussion of what boundaries they have in their current relationship that directly affect you
is mandatory - so that you can make the decision as to whether or not these are acceptable to you. Sometimes looking at what they are trying to accomplish with the boundary is more telling than the boundary itself.
For instance, if a rule is that they have to meet new partners within three dates...where does that come from? Has their partner dated crazy serial killers in the past and they don't trust their judgement? Or, have they had problems with insecurity in the past and found that meeting the person helps them weather the change with more grace?
They may have rule that they need their partner home on Wednesday for their regular date night and Sunday morning to go to church. Fine. That is different than - "You can only see him for two hours on Tuesday while I am at work - even though you both have plenty of other free time.)
Note: you may be interested in this post
I made to my blog about the early days of our Vee when we were working out what our Vee would look like and what "boundaries" meant in this context.
(Hmmm...I should probably write an update on the boundary issue...I have much more nuanced opinions now...)