View Single Post
  #16  
Old 07-27-2013, 05:18 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anyanka View Post
I understand and have long understood the potential negative aspects of saying that one is 'committed' ... I get it. But, I am not going to be entirely able to divorce my tendency to want a 'partner' as well as a lover and for me to do that, I need some sense of security.
I don't think there is something inherently negative about saying "he and I are in a committed relationship", I just think it's best to be precise about what that means.

I am committed to my relationship with IV, for example, but it doesn't mean what most people think it means. I know IV well enough to know that we work well together; our sex life is fun, our time together is entertaining, our worldviews are compatible. I will cut IV some slack if she is having a hard time and is being emotionally unstable or temporarily detached. I am committed to having her in my life as long as our fundamental approaches to life remain compatible; regardless of whether or not she's going through some kind of contextual craziness.

I also believe in being flexible for the sake of my partner, though probably not in the way most people think of it. As long as what I am changing about my behavior is irrelevant to me or it is a change to something I also see as a natural behavior for me, I will do it. Once I need to change something fundamental about myself or I need to put up with something that I think is unreasonable I am going to need to make a change. That change doesn't necessarily mean breaking up, but I'll need to change it to the degree that allows me to freely be who I am while enjoying what my partner naturally has to offer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anyanka View Post
I guess what I am talking about isn't so much longevity (although that does come into it) but being 'in' the relationship while it is alive.
What does this mean to you? I propose that you will have a better chance of getting what you want from life if you can be more concise about what that actually is. "Being 'in' the relationship" is about as vague a statement as I could imagine someone making and anyone you said that to would likely be blindly guessing what you meant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anyanka View Post
I am not 100% sure that talking about longevity automatically means that there is a 'clause' that someone restrains the other person irregardless of their needs/wants in the future .. that seems a bit reactive to me but perhaps I misunderstand what you mean here.
Talking about a topic doesn't mean action should be taken. Making promises about a topic insists that action be taken to see those promises through.

"I'm going to stick with this thing as long as we are fundamentally healthy for each other. What are your feelings on the topic?" - This is stating my level of commitment and prompting a conversation about what the other persons views are. I am not proposing anything nor suggesting any promises should be made. I would consider this to be a healthy approach to the conversation.

"I'm committed to being in this relationship for the long haul; are you committed to being 'in' this relationship?" - This is attempting to solicit promises of longevity and being incredibly vague about what that actually means. This is not what I would consider to be a healthy approach to the conversation.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote