This is how it seems to me:
- Even though she admits that she is falling for him, she says that she can't share (meaning him). (<--- Personal Limitation reached.)
- She has no problem with you and she is not the kind of person to want to break you guys up or anything. She has made that very clear to both of you.
- So she doesn't want to share him and she doesn't want to break you two up... but rather than break up with your DH to obey her own limit... she continues to go out on dates with him?
- "She has been over to our house almost every day for these two week." Dude, that's awfully fast to me there -- what's the "too close too fast" all about?
She has trouble obeying her own limit then. That's one mixed up sounding lady. Doesn't sound like "healthy dating partner" to me.
Both you and husband could help her keep to her own limit since she cannot seem to obey it herself. She sounds drunk on NRE crushies for your DH. If it were actual booze, would you keep offering her drinks past her limit or send her home to dry out and stop giving her booze? Sigh.
Could slow this DOWN to determine how healthy a person she is or not. Or could not mess with fragile/broken people at all because that's already enough for you to go "too weird to deal in."
Could stick to dating healthy sounding people who CAN respect boundaries (their own and each of yours) better so you increase the odds of having a healthy polyship together.
You both could back off. Because like this? She's either a cowgirl setting you up. Or you guys are using her. Or you are so carried away at the thought of "Yay! We finally get to polyship!" that you are neglecting to think if this is "polyship in a healthy way" or "polyship in an unhealthy way." None of those things is savory sounding.
And for sure nobody is respecting her limit. She's not doing self respect to her own limit. And you guys aren't respecting her limit either -- knowing she cannot share and still stringing it along rather than put the brakes on to honor her limit.
I think on some level you know this is not cool and that why you posted.
I don't understand why none of you can go "Alright. Limit reached. Just not a runner at this time" and deal with the disappointment and move on.
How come nobody wants to take that option? You think DH won't find another person to date that is a better fit AND able to share? Baffled.