Thread: Polyfidelity
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Old 02-05-2010, 01:26 AM
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Seasnail Seasnail is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 77

Redpepper says:
For us (my husband polynerdist and I) it seems to have worked that we let each other know from the onset that we have been in touch with someone for the purpose of dating. If we meet up with them, then there is no catching up to do. If we click then there is no catching up to do. Everything was talked about from day one. Now I am looking for female company only, there has been no change to that rule (I say rule because I see boundaries as changeable and rules not so much), I just have three men to tell. The tersiary not so much, it can wait but definitely Nerdist and Mono.

When we made our boundaries clear to each other we didn't write them down and changed them a lot. We aren't the writing it down types I guess. Each boundary we come across is discussed at length with each other and sometimes the person that it involves and their partner. I think it is just good ethical practice, even for small stuff.

Perhaps the biggest thing for me has been to check in with my own boundaries. I made my own rules about dating when I started out. They completely fell through when I met Mono, but they were very helpful when I wasn't sure or just plain not interested in someone. I could then say, "well I have these rules for myself and this is what they are..."

My rules were, if we go beyond a second date then you have to at least talk to my husband on line first so you know he is real. If they wouldn't then that was it for me... it indicated that they were either used to cheating or would engage in that (whether that is true or not depended on the person and sometimes it was just fear... all discussable with them)..and I was only interested in being open. Then they would have to meet and then there was the chance of being more intimate....

You can of course decide for yourself what you own boundaries for yourself are... but those were mine.
Yeah, last weekend HB and I sat down to revise our boundaries too... we ended up making a flow chart for the process we envisioned instead of generating rules or boundaries. I think that helped a lot because HB can feel some flexibility in meeting someone, and yet I have this sense that I can reasonably predict what might happen, and that gives me a sense of peace.

It's interesting what you say about checking in with your own boundaries. Mine have always been higher than HB's, so to speak, and so he's often followed along with mine to keep the peace I think. It's frightening since the affair, because I don't KNOW where his boundaries are, and I'm not sure he does either.

GS says:
Your approach seems pretty reasonable to me - as long as there's some flex there to accommodate the realities like scheduling etc. We approach things much the same way-although maybe a bit more liberal because of our experience.
One thing you might consider that we find beneficial to speed that connection with all process along, is to encourage & use the various mediums when it's practical and a face-to-face is proving complicated. We encourage contact by phone, email etc to try to get everyone getting to know each other ASAP when we run into scheduling problems. For us it works good. If we trust someone enough to be considering a relationship we certainly can trust them with a phone # and email. It's not as good as face-to-face but it does serve to underline everyone's sincerity until we can all get our schedules juggled around.
Just a thought.....

GS there's not really any scheduling issues... and I'd be happy to get to know someone online or by phone as much as face to face. As I said, I want to be assured of respect, caring, and communication style. I guess the part that bothers me about it is that HB seemed to want to date first, meet later, and it seems reminiscent of the affair. If it's going to be open, I want it clear from the outset what is going on and where our relationship stands. I don't like feeling like I might be an unpleasant surprise to some school mate who hangs out with HB every day, then goes on a date, and then finds out about me. BUT, the woman in question is coming to his birthday party this weekend, so I get a chance to meet her!!

It's encouraging to hear that some experience will help in being open to new situations and trusting one another's judgement.
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