Originally Posted by bookbug
So back to your original question. Given the emotional baggage with the word commitment, perhaps a better way of approaching it would be to say, here is what I need in our relationship (whatever they are) - and give specific things. I will give examples:
I need to be able to talk to you at least once a day.
I need a good night text every night.
When he lives closer, I need to see you twice a week.
Don't add your wants to the list; just your needs.
Anyway, this approach is likely to give you some sense of consistency which is what I think is what you are saying.
First of all many thanks for your thoughtful response Bookbug
I am going to process what you said about identity and coupling .. so, I won't refer to it for the moment - but, it's interesting and I do want to ponder it a bit more.
I can see exactly what you are saying with the wants/needs and with depoliticising the landscape by avoiding some words. I think this is going to be really helpful.
The only question still hanging in there re 'commitment' is this: when someone tells you/indicates that they are commited - that means (to me) that they are in in for the long haul - it may not work out that way of course, but the intent is there - and verbalised - there is a feeling of safety that comes from this. Can this be emulated? Does this cross the boundary or odea of thinking of yourself as an individual first?
My guy has a bit of a history of falling in lust, only to have it evaporate 3 months in and he wants to bail .. this hasn't happened with us. During our 'expectations' chat last night I asked him if he feared the lust fading between us (as he is planning on giving up so much to come here) and he answered that he doesn't think it ever will, that it may hibernate but that he thinks it will always be there ... so, I am taking that as a good sign?
Originally Posted by bookbug
As for his concept of love, perhaps his actions speak louder than his words.
That is how I feel - it FEELS like love, we talk every night, he texts me and emails me regularly, we are the most involved in each other's lives and he is wamr, caring and giving to me .. so .. I am going to drop this and let him have his discursive internal battle .. love for me is what I feel for somebody else, not what they feel for me ..
I guess I am really, REALLY worried about ending up in a FWB type-thing .. thinking that someone is more emotionally invested than they are/assuming feelings that aren't there - this is my main concern.
I am happy to explore, happy to be open, happy to see where things go .. but I am NOT happy to be deluded ..
He has told me over and over how he tried to tell his EX that he didn't love her, had never and could never love her and she would insist that he did - but that he wasn't admitting it to himself .. I don't want to end up that way.