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Old 07-26-2013, 05:36 AM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Default New to poly and struggling with a few things ..

Hi everyone .. I am brand new to the forum, brand new to poly ideas and brand new to trying to articulate a potential poly relationship.

Met my current guy about 9 months ago .. he is 'poly' in that he wants to have sex with people other than me and wants me to do the same - and I have no real issues with this (I don't think!).

There are no specific 'others' in the mix at the moment and we both still have crazy lust for each other. When we talk about involving other people, it is usually couched in terms of us sharing or watching the other - ie: we are not going to separate relationships, sexual or otherwise, but rather bringing other people into our bedroom.

We have a pretty great 'relationship' in that we talk every day - the sex is amazing and we both trust each other. We can discuss without arguing and are both able to accept that the other person has a valid point f view without needing to imposr our own. It is warm and caring .. but, undefined and, therein lie my problem/s.

We don't live together and have no immediate plans to - we have both had bad experiences with living with partners and ideally, we want to live close-by to each other, have a key to each other's place and see each other a few times a week.

At the moment, we live on opposite sides of the country - the plan is for him to move here in the next few months and this is a huge deal as he will be leaving a good job etc .. essentially to be near me (although he does also want to get away from the city he lives in).

Oh yes .. most importantly I think: I love him.

I am currently struggling with 2 issues:

1: He says he doesn't 'love', he has never been 'in love'. He says he can really, really like somebody and that he feels lust .. but not love.

The issues with this part is that he not only acts like he loves me .. he has said it a few times as well .. so, it's confusing.

I am not sure if this is an issue that may arise in the poly community more than anywhere else (I hope my reasoning here doesn't come across as insulting to anybody) but if anyone has any insight or experience it would be very, very appreciated as, well, I am confused. (yes, I think he was possibly hurt and yes, I think he sometimes uses this claim as a way to keep things at an arms length if he is feeling unsure.

2: I am happy to (actually, I am a little excited about) explore having some type of poly relationship. As stated above, I am not 100% sure whether, for him, this means just seeing others as a 'couple' or, if having distinct, separate relationships is also on the table.

I am okay with addressing this as it comes up .. he and I have only been together for 9 months so, right now it is mainly about 'us' and i think we are both happy for the sex/intimacy to be about him and me (if that makes sense).

But, what I want, what I need, is to have him be a commited, stable presence in my life .. I don't see these things as contradictory at all. BUT, I don't know how to spell out my wants/needs or have this disucssion.

We have tried - many times, but the words/definitions get all tangled up - and it ends up being undefined.

I don't want to scare him away by making him think I want to box him in or control him - I don't. He has jusrt come out of a very controlling 3-year relationship and I have experience with this myself .. so, I know what it feels like.

I just don't seem to have the vocabulary to explain to him what I want/need without coming across as saying "I insist that you be mine" .. because it all seems to end up coming out like this whenever I write it out (I have tried emailing him about this but I never send them).

I feel awkward and clumsy when he asks me about my expectations/needs .. the words get all gluggy and thick and I really struggle to articulate.

Admittedly, I am unsure if I am just afraid of scaring him off in general or, if this is due to my inexperience with poly dynamics or, if the two together just exacerbate each other.

Long post, long and possibly incredibly confusing post.

Welcome to my world
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