I know what he does/does not care about. I can say with 110% without a shadow of doubt that he does not care about my ex. In all honesty, she is nothing to him. He finally said what I have known all along. "I do not give a fuck about her." His exact words, and that was the first time he has said anything negative about her.
We have dealt with the negative feelings. He still tells me what bothers him. He opens up to me. New ones were emerging every day. A few of that many things I have heard over the past five months from him:
1) You fail to hear what I am saying, and your communication needs to improve.
2) I still do not trust fully you with--my heart, our children's best interests, prioritising our marriage and family life, etc. At this point, he suggested things to do to help build the trust.
3) I still do not trust you to listen to me and really hear me out, respect my feelings, not disrespect my boundaries, not undermine my role as a parent, etc. Same as above, but "There are day where I see improvement."
4)You are incapable of balancing the marriage/family time with that side of your life, and I am not going to sit by and let you treat our children or me like shit so you can "express yourself again." He insisted on a break from anything pertaining to poly for an unspecified amount of time.
5) I do not trust her to be around our children, so keep her away from them. 6) Keep her out of my face, out of our marriage, and tell her nothing about our family life. Why? It is not her business, and they are not her children or concern.
7) I lowered my expectations because I expect you to do things. Follow through is your enemy, sweetheart.
8) Compromising with you is impossible.
9) I am tired of you putting her feelings before mine. Which one of us are you married to again?
10) I do not trust your judgement because...*insert the list here.* Most recent one was because you keep proving that I am right.
11) I did not appreciate being taken for granted when all I ever did was loved you, supported you, and encouraged you to be yourself.
12) I grew tired of making excuses for your behaviour. No excuse for it any of it.
13) You are free to be yourself, but I will not be part of your life because I have already read this chapter and know how it will end.
14) You lack the ability to feel empathy for me because you are too concerned about her. You did not hurt her repeatedly.
15) I disliked having a wife who was only available on certain days of the week. I could have stayed a bachelor if I was going to be alone all the time.
16) I did not appreciate being ignored or dismissed like a child. I have feelings, and they should have been respected. Sorry my opinions messed up your perfect portrait.
17) I disliked having her around like a tag along on every vacation. I get that she was part of your "family," but would it have killed you have spent time with me and our family alone?
18) I will not stand you for making decisions about my children without including me again. In the same scheme, we do not need three parents; i.e. no need for a third person to have co-parent rights.
19) I disliked the secrecy.
20) I disliked being out.
It keeps going and going. Guess what? I have followed through on the ones I could follow through on. The ones involving trust will take time and not just five months. She has not been around our children, talked to them, and knows nothing about them, has not visited our home, and he has seen her twice. In case I forget, he politely reminds me that there are "some people" that he would prefer not to associate with. I am home every night. We mutually decided to put our son in a nursery. I take all of his feelings, opinions, and thoughts in to consideration because I hear everything he says. He resented being out because of the hell it caused. We are not out, and we will not be out no matter what. We have no secrets because full disclosure is the only acceptable policy.
Our daughter wanted more family time, and we have as much as her being in school and active part will allow. That usually leaves some week nights and the weekends. She has ballet, music lessons, and various events at the school, so it is mostly weekends. We do eat breakfast and dinner as a family every day and on any given day, there are 50+ family activities all over the city. This place is very child friendly. We are taking them to the movies tonight, and the proceeds are going to cancer research. Family time that is charitable. Win-win. We make sure to spend part of the evening with her doing something she likes. Painting, drawing, making something, watching her favourite show(s), or going for an ice cream run. We incorporate the little one if he is not already in the bed.
I negotiate things because no compromises was not working. Everything was going his way, and I had no say. There was no happy medium. His end was always devoid of any emotion, but logistically, the suggestions always made sense.
Our therapist probably wants to shake me. Despite her professional demeanour, I know I grind on her nerves. She constantly preaches about follow through with things especially pertaining to my ex which are and will continue to be a sore spot. Her opinion is that I should have stuck by my original stance of no contact at all. The only positive is that he was expecting me to revert backwards, so he had no chance for disappointment.
I have taken plenty of time off work. I needed to do that because I was missing important time with my children. I found a balance. I work while they are at school. I was bored being at home all day. It was eating me up to have to rely on him to be the breadwinner. Our therapist was puzzled because she was like, "You do not have to work, right?" Correct. I want to work. I hate depending on people for anything. I need to be secure in the thought that if I had to, the household would still run efficiently with one income and that I can support myself if he were to leave. No more 80+ hour weeks, 24 hour shifts, 12-16 hour days, or anything unusual. I work from 10-1 on M-T-Thurs, have lunch by myself or with friends, go home and do housework or prepare dinner, pick up my daughter by 3:15, drive to my son's nursery, and depending on traffic, by 4:00-4:15, we are home. DH is sometimes already there and working on dinner, and the latest he has gotten home is between 4:30-5. My daughter usually has some down time before she starts on homework. While she is watching a show or playing in her room, I start on dinner/help DH. While dinner is on, I take the chance to finish the housework, or I spend time with my my children. We help her with homework, have dinner, sometimes we go out as a family or individually/do something with them inside, bath time, story time, feeding the little one again, bed time by 9:00-9:30 for them, and the rest of the night is spent with DH, if we are at home at the same time. If one of us goes out, it shifts a bit. We always end the night together.
I wish he did just nod. He is not that agreeable at all. He challenges most things, and we negotiate. He expects me not to follow through, so he comes armed with knowledge and alternatives. He plans for it to happen because he knows it will. Quite sad now that I think about it. Our marriage is not a billion dollar merger, and we should not have to negotiate the terms of everything. He said something a few months ago that I laughed off. "She is your poison and potentially lethal drug of choice." It might be true, but I need to quit.
Part of my issue is follow through, but the bigger issue is consistency. I elect to do it from time to time, but I need to always do it. That is my challenge.
Last edited by FullofLove1052; 07-25-2013 at 09:41 PM.